I sat in familiar surroundings, the stage of the worship center alive with musicians, the chairs they faced filled with people I knew and loved. And yet this morning I sensed separation and distancing more than togetherness. My heart was heavy with my own needs and with the needs of others, and all week I had been trying to push away the cloud that kept pressing on me. The impending divorce of one marriage; the wrong choices of another. Infant lives that were being threatened; adult lives that were being threatened physically, emotionally, and by addiction. Unfairness, manipulation, lies, confusion – somehow my cries to God seemed inadequate, like my world was racing ahead of Him and He was having a hard time catching up. I have often identified myself as a miracle of God’s grace, because I am not the woman some others would think I “should” be. I cocooned myself for decades in the shame, the guilt, and the dysfunction and loss of my past, and then God’s grace broke open the cocoon and gave me a freedom to grow and become as I walked in that same grace and love. But in the midst of feeling very separated from familiar surroundings, my heavy heart was crying, “Why, God? Why? I know who You are. I know what You are capable of. Why am I so weighed down by this present intrusion of need upon need? I know ‘I can’t.’ I know only ‘You can.’ I know I simply need to let You be God, but this morning, it just doesn’t seem so ‘simple.’”
And then I began to hear more clearly the words I was already singing. Our Deliverer. When we call upon Your name, You will answer, You will save – and deliver us. In the darkness, in the storm, You are shining from the shore to deliver us .... Mighty fortress for the righteous .... Though the battle rages on, we are certain You are strong to deliver us. ..... Hallelujah, what a Savior! Worthy is the Lamb, our Deliverer!!! My own voice crescendoed with the rest of the congregation, and I began to see and feel and know, God was breaking through the cloud. And then we sang again, From the creation to the cross, then from the cross into eternity, Your grace finds me, yes, Your grace finds me. There in the darkest night of the soul ..... Your grace finds me ...... So, I’m breathing in Your grace .... Your grace finds me. And I knew there was still need upon need, but His grace had found me, once again.
Just a couple of days later, I was still contemplating the truth God had strengthened me with, and I was handed a basketful of miscellaneous items and asked to choose one and share with the others in my group, how that item spoke of what God was doing in my life. I opened a small velvety black bag and saw an almost miniature pair of binoculars. My heart grabbed it as quickly as my hands did. God was reminding me once again that He sees the future, He knows the big picture. He will walk with me through the needs of today, whatever those needs may be, and He will walk with me into the future of my tomorrows. He will pour out His grace, faithfully, continually, on me, and on all those my heart is heavy for. Sometimes, the cocoon still comes, but God’s grace will find me, over and over, and over.
– Bev
Related Bible reading: Hebrews 4:14 - 16)
