In the quiet of aloneness, my heart remembers and the fear brings a fresh outpouring of tears. The fear is not irrational; it is real and it is based on facts. I am afraid of the future. I am too aware of what it might hold. I know. I understand. I have walked this way before. My heart cries out its desire to not walk it again. O God! Loving, heavenly Father! I know You remember even better than I do the sorrow I once bore – the incredible weight of loss and terror. I cannot walk this way again! Like David, I walk in my aloneness with the company of my tears.
The words of a hymn I have sung many times before compel me to listen. I surrender all. I surrender all. All to Thee, my blessed Savior, I surrender all.
I listen again – All to Jesus I surrender, all to Him I freely give; I will ever love and trust Him, in His presence daily live. My heart holds tightly to its desire. Father, must I loosen my grip? The fear is too great!
The questions assault my thinking. What if the past is replayed in the present? What if its horror is inflicted on still others? How will we all cope? What will happen to our faith? God’s Spirit reminds me that letting go is not abandonment of care or love. Letting go is simply letting God be God in an unknown future and walking, trusting, that He will never leave us and He will never change. To let God hold my trembling heart is to know that from ashes He can still bring beauty – even when my heart cries out against the ashes.
Father, can’t I know what lies ahead? Waiting can distort faith and perspective. Waiting accentuates the negative. His Spirit speaks again. Trust does not ask for answers. Trust simply asks for Me. I will walk where you walk. I will hold you tightly in My arms, whatever the future holds, whatever the waiting demands. I will warm you with My love and embrace your fears in My peace.
My heart loosens its grip. O God! I give myself to You! I know my struggle is not over for the waiting is still before me and I do not know the place it will take me to. But wherever it is, I know You will be there – for me and for others. And I know that as I wait, in Your loving patience you will encourage me, and you will wipe away my tears. And if my fears taunt or shout, You will quiet them with the gentle reminders of Your presence. From David’s heart, the words echo, “I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, ‘You are my God!’ My future is in your hands.”
– Bev
(Related Bible reading: Psalm 18:1-6, 16-19, 30-36)
