Even as a child, I had an introduction to the pain and the heart of a grieving mom. I was the second child of eight, the oldest girl, and my two sisters were the youngest in the family. I was the one Mom talked with, probably starting in second grade. That was when an awareness of the dysfunction in our family started too. Somewhere along the way, my mom also shared the facts of the miscarriage she had before any of her live children had made their appearances. And years after the first miscarriage, she had a second one. To me, they were just facts, but I did want to ask a bunch of questions that I never did ask. Culturally, that would not have been appropriate, although I caught a sadness being expressed by her.
By the time my youngest sister was born, I was a ten year old, and the dysfunction in our family, within just over a year after her birth, scattered all of us between relatives and institutional living facilities. My mom??? She was separated from all of us, and it would be years before we all lived together again, but apart from my dad. Grief??? Grief says we have loved and still love, and grief says there has been a separation between us and the one, or the ones, we love.
How do we move forward? How do we find a healing that enables us to move forward? It’s a journey and it stretches out before me. With any understanding at all of God, when I am satisfied with the answer as to why the horrendous happened, or, in my futility, I close the question up within myself – it is then I may well ask, is God big enough for my grief??? In my desperation, I attempt to reach out to Him.
Be in love with my child. It seems a contrary place to start. Loving my child has created my grief. But some who grieve, may be disappointed or angry with their child for myriads of reasons. Some put an expectation on themselves, or others seem to, that “healing” lessens the bond of love. But I cannot walk forward in my grief without acknowledging it, without remembering and loving my child. I must be in love with someone else too. Be in love with Jesus. He is the One who opens the door of relationship too with His own Father, the eternal, loving, compassionate Father, the one who wants to make my impossible journey, possible, and give to me from the wealth of His resources to bring about that possibility.
And within my relationships with Jesus, His Father God, and even His Spirit – the intricately woven members of the Godhead – I must Be utterly dependent on God. I cannot do this journey alone. I am not capable of doing it by myself. God can do it within me, and God can bring too the others, as well as the truth and any other resources that I need. And yes, if I come to Him, and stay with Him, in open, honest, vulnerable, utter dependence – yes, He is more than big enough for my grief. Coupled with this truth, I do need to Be knowledgeable of His truth. Distortions of truth abound, and distortions of truth cripple. Ask your questions. Study. Learn. Ask God too to move the truth your head grabs hold of, to your heart, where it will impact your life. Get involved with a Bible study, or become part of a biblically based grief support group.
And with all that is now happening, you are going to become aware of the grace God is pouring out on your life. Stay there!! Be willingly immersed in His grace. Grace is the all encompassing love of God helping you to trust His heart when you still feel you may not fully understand. Grace is God doing what you cannot do. Grace is the enabler to walk forward in your grief. And grace will bring beauty from the ashes of your tragedy because you will want to somehow, some way, continue to love, honor, and remember your child by sharing God’s grace with still others. It may become a compulsion, but I will still say it, Be open to the wounded hearts of others. My own heart has been broken, and I long for a reunion in Heaven with my own daughter, but I weep because God allows me to share His grace with you and with others.
– Bev
