June 16, 2021

Grief...........Vulnerabilities

Michele’s words gripped me in a different kind of way. I have lived most of my life engulfed in fear. I was fearful of failure. What would others think of me if I made a mistake or said the wrong thing? Would I still be a person worthy of love? I was wrapped up in a blanket of fear so much so that it crippled my life. Then my daughter died and I had to face my greatest fear. I realized I had spoken similar words many times myself. My childhood home was broken by unfaithfulness, muted promises, abuse, and separation. I grew up feeling very responsible for all the wrong that surrounded me. I was a bad girl, unworthy of love, especially undeserving of God’s love, undeserving of ever being a wife or a mom. The heavy weight of guilt I carried distorted life and my own potential. I learned how to present a person who was acceptable, but my inner person was shredded with guilt and shame, and then, my daughter died. I thought of my own words, and I thought of Michele’s. And I thought of the words others have spoken in the darkness of grief. And then, my child died. ..... And then, my husband died. And not only was there an incomprehensible grief, but it magnified the vulnerabilities that were already there. For Michele, it was fear. For me, it was guilt. For others, it is insecurity. Loneliness. Inadequacy. Confusion. Failure. Poor self-image or its assumed contrast, self-sufficiency. Even anger or resentment. Being overwhelmed with life already. Spiritual doubts or questions. How do we move forward??? Especially when grief too holds me in its tenacious grasp and my vulnerabilities are magnified. For me, I had to address the guilt. I had to find God’s perspective. I had to tear down the wall of guilt that separated me from God, either in reality or just in my thinking, by finding the assurance of God’s forgiveness in both true guilt and false guilt. I had to find a worthiness that wasn’t based on my own merit, but on the incredible, unconditional love and grace of God, and the simple fact that He calls me His child. And then I was able to find the God who walks us forward in our grief with a tenderness, comfort, and encouragement that only the eternal, unchanging Father can give. Your story may be different from mine, and it may be different from Michele’s story, but for the grieving mom or widow – young or old – we need the sufficiency and adequacy we find in the arms of God as we rest in dependence in the warmth of His loving embrace. Those who are lonely need to fully know His constant presence. When self-image crumbles or if self-image portrays self-sufficiency – either forgets the brokenness God longs for that will keep us at His feet, waiting in dependence, and finding the fulfillment of His promises. In anger, resentment, confusion, the questions, the doubts – God has His way for us to walk, a way that will bring clarity and provision, especially when my heart is torn with grief. I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. So be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord! – Bev (Related Bible reading: Psalm 116:1,2; Psalm 34:18; Psalm 23:1; Psalm 37:23,24; Psalm 40:2)