I was cringing before my week of memories even started. The memories embraced dysfunction, loneliness, striving for a sense of worth and purpose, premature deaths, horror and more tragedy, and then the years that unfolded the consequences. This year seemed more difficult, and I finally realized the impact that still more death had had, and the impact of more unfolding consequences. God seemed distant, but I cried out to Him. I couldn’t understand. God, why??? You have given so, so much in so many ways over so many years. Your grace has transformed me in so many ways. You have given me years of being the helper, listening and caring for those who mourn and grieve, or just wish life could be different. With certainty, I have assured others of Your presence, Your care, Your provision. Why do I feel so imprisoned, so uncertain, so distant when I need you in such personal ways? My head knows life can get tumultuous for all of us, but my heart is struggling as my cries seem to go unanswered.
Jonah could not understand either. God had chosen him to minister, but Jonah tried to run away. God, I was definitely not trying to run away. It’s a privilege and joy to serve You and to serve others, but the emotional turmoil was throwing me into the blackness. Jonah’s blackness was within the belly of a large fish, but the emotional and spiritual darkness was there too. And yet, even within his own blackness, he cried out to his God. His words echoed the reality and depth of his morbid situation. He cried out to the Lord in his great trouble, a trouble that sank him to the heart of the sea as the mighty waters engulfed him. He knew he was buried beneath wild and stormy waves – sinking, the waters closing out all hope, seaweed wrapping itself around his head.
My situation was far different from Jonah’s, but when I read his words, I related. And within the reality of Jonah’s darkness, he felt too that God had driven him away. And yet, Jonah, even fearing the emptiness of God’s presence, kept calling out, kept praying, kept looking God-ward, with an assurance that God would rescue him, snatch him from the jaws of death. He kept remembering his God. He refused to turn his back on God. He wanted to fulfill his vows to God, offer sacrifices to Him, and sing songs of praise. He knew where his help would come from. And as I read and contemplated the words and Jonah’s heart in the middle of his reality, I related again.
And Jonah’s story then tells us, “The Lord ordered the fish to spit Jonah out onto the beach.” What a parallel!! Yes, my week was awful, even though it was all memories, and not a repeat of realities, BUT GOD!! He cared enough about me, His child, that He cared even about the turmoil of memories. Yes, He seemed distant, but He wasn’t. He was always there. He was there in the silence, and I kept crying out to Him. And suddenly I realized, “the fish had spit me onto the beach.”
From Psalm 40, we hear the paralleling thoughts of the psalmist. I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.
– Bev
(Related Bible reading: Jonah 2:1-10)
