Leslie Chaney-Eames. I lost my son Randy 7 years ago and I want to
share my grief journey with you in this metaphorical epic poem:
Breaking Through
Be merciful to me O
Lord, for I am in distress: my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body
with grief: My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning: my
strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak. Psalm 31:9-10
I found myself in a deep pit… so deep there was no light, no
sound and the air was thick and it stunk like death….I felt your presence there
Lord…but it seemed like You were so very far away….I felt a heavy load on my
back, like a bag of large stones…each one represented a feeling I was engulfed
with…sadness, pain, fear, anger, guilt & shame.
I stayed there for a while, crying, lamenting and wallowing
in these feelings of complete despair……
A man’s spirit
sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear? Proverbs 18:14
Then Lord you gently whispered in my ear its time to leave
this place and journey to the high places again. I fought, I wanted to stay, I wanted to
die……… but You gently nudged me to my feet…the weight of the stones pulling me
down again and again, but you were persistent…You wanted more for me…my journey
here was not yet complete……..I finally looked up and saw a great cliff, almost
straight up, leading up out of the darkness.
With You ever by my side Lord I took my first steps up the cliff of this
mountain….
My flesh and my heart
may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm73:26
The weight of the stones I carried caused me great pain,
again and again You reminded me that You would gladly carry these burdens for
me, but I was selfish and held on to it.
It seemed at least a year had passed as I made my way up this torturous
cliff, some days I would fall down a few feet and would have to re-step the
same ground, but with Your gentle persuasion and engulfing love for me I
continued always upward. Again You
reminded me you would take the stones from my back and carry them for me, I
refused over and over until one day, I said OK maybe just one. So I gave You my anger…..That
day the way seemed to level out a little…. not so vertical….
the road began to angle outward at a steep, but definite slope.
Cast your burden upon
the Lord and He will sustain you: He will never allow the righteous to be
shaken Psalm 55:22
I continued moving up the mountain ever upward the trail was
steep and rocky. The air was still thick
and there was some light but very dim like the moment just before dawn. As I moved along over the next four years, I
began to see other people You had placed in my life journeying with me,
supporting me, loving me along the way;
A friend loves at all
times, and a brother is born for adversity Proverbs 17:17
I began to feel You closer to my side and again You asked me
again to let You carry my burdens….reluctantly I gave You my fear, guilt and
shame. The road began to get smoother,
the air became a little sweeter, the sun broke out from behind the mist…..still
dim, but for the first time I could feel its warmth. I continued ever upward, Lord, You were
always there, always by my side, gentle, loving, and ever persuading me forward
on this path. I was determined to make
it up to the high places again where I could live with You again in complete
joy and peace….again You said “lay down your burdens, give them to me….you
cannot enter the high places carrying them on you back, you cannot take them
there with you. I thought about what He
said…I considered it, but it was hard, it was easier to carry them myself…I
carried them a little while longer….
Blessed in the man who
preserves under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the
crown of life that God promised to those who love Him James 1:2
I saw the high places in the distance, the sun began to
break out from behind the cloud, the air began to smell fresh and clean, the
road became grassy and soft with a gentle slope, the burdens on my back began
to feel like they did not belong there in this place……so very reluctantly and
slowly I laid the last ones down, first sadness, then pain, at Jesus’ feet they
lay. He smiled ever so sweetly, looked
at me with His gentle eyes…and whispered…. “you are free”.
If the Son therefore
shall set you free, you shall be free indeed John 8:36
Then I looked around me and I realized I was in the high
place with the Lord, the air was fresh, the colors were vibrant, the sound of angel’s
voices filled the air, we sat under a tree next to a stream of living water and
I lay very still in His arms feeling the warmth, the Love, the Peace, the Joy
again… I had made it through…I had broken through to the other side of grief……
He will wipe every
tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or morning or crying or pain,
for the old order of things has passed away. Revelation 21:4
I still miss my son, I still feel sad sometimes when I
realize he is not here on earth with me anymore, But Jesus carries all my
burdens now, and I know I will see my son again on the other side. And I am now ready to continue the work God
has for me here until He is ready to call me home.
I will instruct you in
the way you should go: I will counsel and watch over you. Psalm32:8
Jan Tamble, Megan's Mom -- My Unwanted Grief Journey I never imagined someone would ask me to write on grief. I do not want to write on grief. I do not want to grieve. I do not want to hurt or feel pain. I do not want to be in this “club” – NO – not me!
I thought the worse grief I could ever experience was my divorce in 1990 – unwanted, unseen, unanswered – painful to the core… But then…a call. THE call…In 2012, the same weekend that my middle daughter went in to labor to deliver her first baby – the biggest JOY imaginable - my youngest daughter Megan lay in a hospital bed in Tucson drugged with morphine, with a death sentence – STAGE IV COLON CANCER – with 4 to 6 months to live. It had already metastasized to the liver and both her lungs. How could this be? She was only 28 years old! Colonoscopies are not even authorized, recommended, or typically performed before the age of 50, yet Megan was DYING of this invasive, all consuming cancer! As I write – it still seems unimaginable – yet this was our world. The “C” word – cancer - had entered and it was not going to go away!
- SEE MORE
I wrote this letter when my precious daughter, Cathy, died almost three years ago and shared it at her memorial service. I can’t believe it’s been that long. You might wonder how I’ve made it thus far in my journey without Cathy. It hasn’t been easy, especially because Cathy took her own life. I spent all of the 40 years of Cathy’s life being her care-giver as well as trying to help her with her mental illness (Cathy suffered with the same illnesses that Rick & Kay Warren’s son had) as well as high-functioning autism.
As Cathy got older and the illnesses got worse, we slowly had to accept that Cathy wouldn’t be able to do many of the “normal” things that every parent wishes for their child. And as each new stage came and went, we grieved! My husband cannot attend any more weddings as the pain is too great. Cathy experienced much sadness too as she saw her friends grow up, go to college, get
married, and have a family.
As probably every parent who loses a child does, there is guilt and many questions, the what ifs and if onlys, which may even be worse when it’s a suicide. But I believe that our days are numbered by God and God alone decides when our life will end on earth. So when I find myself questioning and feeling the guilt, I have to remind myself of this truth and read Psalm 139:15&16 again which says “My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and
skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were written all the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.” Even though Cathy took her life, God allowed it because I believe He decided she had gone through enough. And I realize now I had no control over this.
My husband and I also went to GriefShare and then my pastor’s wife invited me to an Umbrella Ministries Conference. This was not even quite four weeks after Cathy died! I know I was still in shock but my sister agreed to go with me as support and we went. I thought I’d be a basket case the whole weekend, crying non-stop, but it wasn’t like that. I think because of being in shock, I couldn’t feel the pain much. Reality hadn’t really hit. I believe God puts us in that state as protection because if we felt it all at once, we wouldn’t be able to take it.
I don’t remember a whole lot about that first conference other than really feeling a real closeness to these other women that had experienced loss and it was comforting being together. Since that first conference I have attended two more conferences and attend all of the monthly Umbrella functions.
As time has gone on, I have felt God calling me to be a little more involved in Umbrella and wanting to help other new moms who have lost a child. I heard about the three 13 year old Hispanic girls that were killed by a hit and run driver this past Halloween night. I couldn’t get these two families out of my mind. God was putting them on my heart and even though I didn’t know how I would find out where they lived and how everything would come about, I began making Christmas baskets for them. This was about a month or less before Christmas and I was saying to myself, “Aren’t you taking on too much with everything else going on?” But it was like I had to go. So I began gathering materials from Umbrella and a couple of books plus added a Christian journal and a couple of other small gift items and finally, homemade cookies. God worked out all of details and a group of us were able to visit both families and share with them. I took a dear Spanish-speaking friend from my church and another mom who had lost her daughter as well and my husband. We had a wonderful time of sharing and we plan to go back and see them in the next couple of weeks.
I now believe part of our healing comes by sharing our stories with others as well as by reaching out to help others and that’s what Umbrella Ministries is all about. I think it is amazing how God used one woman who lost her son some 35 years ago to start this ministry! Thank you, Daisy, for your part in all this and for allowing God to use you in this way. May God continue to use you as you serve Him.
Crushed, by Dave Page
When Sparrows Fall, by Britt Merrick
Sali Edwards, Christopher’s Mom from Orange County, her journey through grief....
Once... there was a boy... a bouncy, smiley, jumpy, hyper, beautiful boy. Then he became a bratty teenager! Then he died ... and our hearts were broken because we didn't get to the great part when he was all grown up and he apologized for being such a bratty teenager and thanked us for our constant love and attention and went on to college to find a lovely girl and get married and excel in his career and have beautiful, bouncy, hyper, bratty babies of his own! We didn't get to that part! Christopher died, by his own hand, in 2004, at age 18. It was a shock to all of us - his family and friends and classmates and... the doctor that was treating him with anti-depressants. No one saw this coming. And it was DEFINITELY NOT on Christopher’s agenda that night he left for Senior Prom.
That horrible night when things went wrong with the limo and at the after-party and when friends roused him awake from too much alcohol and when he walked into another party room and they poured wine over his head and it splashed down over his new tuxedo shirt... the precipitating event... the public humiliation... the over-indulgence in alcohol... the recent medication change... the cosmic chaos... He was a beautiful no really - absolutely gorgeous boy/teen/young man. And he was brilliant. Scored in the top 10% of the state. And he was an awesome athlete. I was always amazed at his “outside of the box” way of thinking. Always so impressed with him (and a little too indulgent I must admit). I couldn't always understand where he was coming from and he couldn’t understand me... And between the ages of 12 and 18, what happened to that darling little hyperactive boy of mine? Pharmaceuticals messed with his head. I guess that's what they are designed to do, huh?
But it was too late for my Christopher when the mass media began their relentless pursuit of the alarming increase in teen suicides which occurred after being put on anti-depressants. That public awareness/watchdog/whistle-blower campaign didn't come until the week after we buried him. But it was too late for all of us.... I couldn't UNDO this!
And, another thing - how could GOD let this happen? He had saved so many others from suicide attempts why not this one precious one too? And how were we supposed to go on? With the confusion and shock and pain and longing and sadness and grief and guilt and the regrets and second guesses... HOW, HOW, HOW?!?!?!?! I'll tell you how we went on: NOT ON OUR OWN strength, because we didn’t have any. In our weakness, we reached out to Him. And He was RIGHT THERE to guide us.
Two days after Christopher died, my husband and I were both startled from our sleep at the exact same moment by nightmares in the dead middle of the night when Satan tried to wrest us away from God by claiming to have taken our boy. Our nightmares were completely different scenarios - but Satan, the Evil One, was at the center of both dreams. We awakened, startled, heaving, looked at each other, told each other our dreams, clung to each other, and KNEW that neither one of us believed The Dark One for one moment. We clung desperately to God, and begged Him and praised Him and questioned Him and… SUBMITTED TO HIS WILL.
I don't know why or how this happened - but when it did happen, the Holy Spirit led my husband to begin a 12 month journey of putting his grief into poetry. Simultaneous to the clinging and poetry writing, God led me to a newly-formed Umbrella Ministries group in Sandra's home. And there, with other Mommy's with other stories, with love and patience and “knowing” and compassion and God in the room with us, little by little He helped me find that the joy can return. We DID laugh. At times, OUT LOUD! Even as we cried. My heartmindbodysoul did begin to ache less. The waves of emotional ambushes did become farther and farther apart. I learned that laughter, or not hurting all the time, did NOT mean I didn’t/don’t love him…
Then, there were others who came to Umbrella Ministries new with their pain. And the best healing of all giving love and compassion to others- started its miracle on my heartmindbodysoul...
My son, Scotty, was 23 months old when he was first diagnosed with leukemia. It was a devastating time for us. The chemo made him sick; he was unable to walk and was in constant pain. He went into remission, but 10 months later he relapsed. He was scheduled to have a bone marrow transplant and spent his 3rd birthday at the City of Hope. My husband and I had both been brought up going to church, but in both our homes, God was a “Sunday thing.” Neither one of us even knew that we could have a personal relationship with Jesus. With all that was happening with Scotty and his many imminent death experiences, we knew that what we needed was far greater than anything we had ever needed in our lives. We decided to find a church and see if that would help us. We were incredibly blessed with finding a church almost right away. The pastors were wonderful. They prayed with us and we had prayer groups praying for us as soon as they found out about Scotty. Bill and I were overwhelmed with the love, comfort and encouragement we found. As we listened to the prayers that were being said for us and for Scotty and our other 2 sons, I realized that these weren’t the prayers I had been taught as a young child; these were the prayers of people who really knew Jesus, and we felt the Holy Spirit moving in our lives. Over the years, Scotty relapsed again and received massive amounts of chemo and radiation. Because of the treatment, he suffered many side-effects and life was a challenge for him and for us. Bill and I started going to Bible Study and studied the word of God and our personal relationship with Jesus became stronger and stronger. We were so blessed that it happened to both of us at the same time. We grew in our faith together. At the age of 17, Scotty was diagnosed with brain tumors. Our church rallied around us and when we were too tired to pray together, our church family did it for us. The next 2 ½ years brought more chemo, more radiation, 2 stem cell transplants and yet the cancer kept coming back. He died August 15th, 2007 at the age of 19. Because he had been raised in the church, he learned about Jesus and accepted Him as his Lord and Savior. As sick as he was, he started a Bible Club at his High School. On his My Space page he wrote that the one person he would most like to meet was his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. In his last days there were times that both my husband and myself felt lifted up, as though our feet were coming off the ground, and I came to realize that those were the times when our friends were praying for us or holding prayer vigils. I know that without our love for Jesus and His comfort and peace, and without the indwelling Holy Spirit, our lives would have been shattered, our marriage would have failed and our other 2 boys would have suffered greatly. Thank you, Lord Jesus!!!!
We were young, still trying to figure life out, and my husband and I climbed in our car, headed for the hospital. I was very pregnant, almost five days past my due date. Even though my pregnancy had been plagued by doubt, I had learned as much about pregnancy as most first time moms at that time, and my doctor had given me no reason to question its outcome. Irregular back labor had started at home, not exactly what I was expecting. Our drive to the hospital was at best confusing and full of questions. My swollen abdomen had been large enough to produce a full sized baby for the whole previous month. Once I had arrived at the hospital, the back labor stopped. The tests that today are almost routine were replaced by my being X-rayed (rather than the ultrasound that was still being developed) and the knowledge gained from that X-ray devastated both me and my husband. Our baby was missing part of her brain and there was no possibility of her sustaining life outside the womb. Our baby would die shortly after birth. The agony of those hours began a journey that would last a lifetime. Tonia Joy was delivered by C-section and she was ushered into the presence of Jesus about twenty minutes later. At the advice of my doctor, I neither held her nor touched her – I did not even see her. And they were choices that compounded my grief, just as the guilt did that complicated my journey for decades. Her death seemed to weave together all the sin, guilt, and shame that other life experiences had heaped on me, and the responsibility I felt for her death tortured me.
As I journeyed through grief, and as the decades passed, I would come to realize that God is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us. (Ephesians 3:20) I was a believer, and I was “even” a pastor’s wife, heavily involved in ministry within our church, believing God’s truth for others, and always questioning it for myself. With a courage that can only come from God, I began to face all the life experiences that had heaped their sin, guilt, and shame on me, and within that ongoing encounter with God, the guilt and responsibility I felt for Tonia’s death were given to God and the freedom to grieve that I had never felt, became mine. And yet still, God was not finished. The precious life that had been mine for such a short time gave impetus to the heart I felt for other moms who struggled with infertility, miscarriages, and neonatal deaths. God opened doors over and over again for me to touch the lives of those moms with care and compassion, and God opened those doors still farther as I became involved with Umbrella Ministries. The journey has been long and hard, and yet my heart is immersed in gratitude for all that God has done. I often see Tonia as that delicate rosebud that opened on earth, but bloomed in heaven, and I see continually the impact she has made on my own life and on the lives of others. Beyond anything I could have asked or imagined.
My journey that follows:
Chapter 1
I walk down the street; there is a large hole in the middle of the street. I don't see it. I fall in. I don't have the energy or the tools to get out. I am there for4 days/weeks/months. No one can help me, even my God.
Chapter 2
I walk down the street; there is a large hole in the middle of the street; I see it but I still fall in. I have more energy and have some new tools and after a few days/weeks, I am able to get out. I see my God, but I don't allow Him to help me.
Chapter 3
I walk down the street; there is a large hole in the middle of the street. Again, I see it but I still fall in. I now have friends, family, more strength and energy, new tools and am able to bring myself closer to my God. I am able to get out much more quickly. God is at the top waiting to carry me if I need it. I let Him.
Chapter 4
I walk down the street; there is a large hole in the middle of the street. I make a difficult decision to walk around it. I am surrounded by family, friends, my renewed and strengthened faith in my God. I have energy to go around it and Jesus carries me to the end of the street.
Chapter 5
I choose to walk down a different street.
Chapter 6
Every once in a while I will go down the old street, sometimes falling in the hole, sometimes just looking into it and sometimes walking around it.
Chapter 7
I have learned enough to know that the hole will always be there and there are times that I need to go to it and look in. I also have learned enough to know that God has abundantly blessed me with friends and family that will sit around the hole with me and talk about the hole or just hold me as I look in. God knows when I need to be carried in His arms and He is always there if I need Him.
Author Unknown
