Psalm 13:1-2 “O Lord, how long will You forget me? Forever? How long will You look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand?”
As these hurting eyes approached me, I recognized the look. The blank, almost lifeless stare, that spoke of a deep loss. A pain that is indescribable. I know at one time, I too carried that same stare. In those eyes, so many unanswered questions. Lord, how could this happen? Where are You? How will I live in this deep pain for the rest of my days? I had no way of knowing how to live on without my daughter here with me. I know those eyes looking at me were asking me the same questions.
I remember someone telling me it won’t always hurt this bad. In my head I was thinking how could that be true. My daughter is gone from my life. As I look back on my grief journey, I now see God was there through it all. He was there when life support was turned off. He was there when we released her ashes. He was there that same day as he sent a butterfly to shout at us, “I will never leave you or forsake you.” Even in my darkest days, He was with me, walking right beside me. Sometimes I could feel His presence, and sometimes He would send just the right person to speak just the right words to offer me the comfort I needed to get through the next minute.
So if you are feeling like there is no reprieve from this pain, keep your mind and heart open to who and what God sends to you. It might be something as little as a butterfly. Whatever it is, hold onto the One who can walk you through this most difficult time. As the dust of grief slowly lifts from your eyes you will soon see a future and a hope. Out of the dust, you will see all that you have been made for. It might be you are made to one day look into the eyes of another mother who is new on this grief journey. You might be the butterfly in someone’s journey.
Tricia Lott Williford wrote about the wounds in our life. I think this explains how my grief journey has changed since those days of being a newly bereaved mom. She states, “Some wounds become a scar that doesn’t show. It doesn’t bleed anymore, and it doesn’t need the constant care it once required. Healthy tissue has grafted over the scar. The scar is there. It’s part of the landscape of my life. Sometimes during a hard rainstorm or a change of seasons, it feels tender once more.”
You never know God is all you need until God is all you have. Hold onto Him.
– Michele
