Birthday in Heaven

John 14:3 “And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with Me that you also may be where I am.” My life radically changed 30 years ago, August 8, the day Elisha was born – and my life has never been the same since the Lord took him to his heavenly home 7 years ago. Every year on Elisha’s birthday, I would throw a huge elaborate party for him to celebrate his special day, not only because he was the coolest kid ever born, but because it was an opportunity to have fun and fellowship with our friends. As Elisha grew older and his disability became more apparent, I realized that making friends would not be easy for him, and so I made it a point to celebrate his birthday by planning a fun day for him that everyone would enjoy. Over the years, we have had ponies, a clown, a petting zoo, which included a cow calf we fed with a bottle, many jump houses, a magician and yes, even a Barney. We would always have a piñata filled with candy and lots of treats for the kids. Each year, I would plan ahead and in his early years we would have his party at a park near our house because there were at least 50 people who would want to come. As he got older, we still had a huge party for him, but it turned into a pool party and barbecue and every year Elisha basked in the glory of his day. He absolutely loved his birthday party; he loved to be the center of attention and he loved to celebrate his special day with all his friends. Now that he is gone, the days leading up to his birthday are difficult for me and anticipating celebrating his birthday is depressing. There is no planning to do, only the reality that I would spend his birthday without him. 2 Corinthians 5:8 says, “We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.” Now that my child is no longer here on this earth, there is a heavenly homesickness that has occurred in my soul; there is a yearning in my heart to also be at home with the Lord and a longing to join the huge gathering in Heaven. The things that used to satisfy me no longer hold any interest and the only contentment I have found is in striving for excellence, pursuing holiness and laying up my treasure in Heaven. All things pale in comparison to the hope of my ultimate destiny in Heaven, and one day, experiencing the fullness of the presence of God. No matter how hard I try, as long as I am still tethered to this earthly realm, I can only see small and tiny glimpses of what my future holds, but I do know this, the party that awaits me in my eternal home is far more lavish and decadent than any party I could have thrown here in this world. The best part about this celebration is that all I have to do is show up. I’ve been thinking a lot of about Heaven these days and the Bible has lots to say about what our forever home will be like. There will be many mansions (John 14:2), a holy city with streets of pure gold that will shine with the glory of God and its radiance will be like a most rare jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal (Rev. 21:11), its walls adorned with every kind of jewel (Rev. 21:19) and its twelve gates, each made with a single pearl. And there will be a great crowd, far too great to count, from every nation and tribe and people and language standing in front of the throne before the Lamb. (Rev. 7:9.) There is more than enough room in my Father’s house and I long for the day when He returns for me and ushers me into His kingdom and I cannot wait to hear His words to me saying, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” (Matt. 25:23.) Oh, what a party that will be. Happy 30th birthday, my sweet Elisha. Love, Mama. – Melody

The God of Ground Zero

I was surrounded by moms “just like me,” moms whose hearts had been shattered and whose lives had been forever changed by the death of a child, and I was browsing at the book table, when one of the books particularly caught my eye. It wasn’t the title, as much as it was the sub-title, “Life Lessons from a Ground Zero Chaplain,” that caused me to pick up the book and turn its pages as my emotions grew and the memories gripped me, all over again. September 11, 2001, I was sitting in the family room of my brother’s home, my brother who had died from cancer just the week before. I had arrived prior to his death hoping to be of help to his pregnant wife as she tried to maintain her work schedule. For several days, family had gathered, small grandchildren wondering when “Pop-pop” would be able to play again, Mom, who was losing her second son, brothers, sisters, cousins. The younger of the two older daughters had been adjusting her schedule at Morgan Stanley, one of the largest firms in the Twin Towers. Death came on Thursday, and the weekend and Monday found all of us grieving the life that ended too soon. My son had flown in from California to attend the funeral with me, and Monday afternoon, he joined some of his cousins for a trip into Manhattan and stood with them in front of the Towers, thoroughly engrossed with their stature amidst a city of contrasts and diversity. On the morning of the eleventh, emotionally drained, we attempted relaxing in front of the TV. Any calm we had hoped for was stolen by the horrendous reality that began to unfold on the screen in front of us. The newspaper headlines were to read, “Terror Beyond Belief.” Shock. Fear. Trauma. Confusion and chaos. Thousands upon thousands struggled to cope with the unimaginable. And a family chose to grieve for countless and unknown faces while their own sorrow beckoned from an eerie silence. The memories flooded my awareness as I turned pages, and I set the book down, unwilling to choose reopening a reality I was still too close to. But I am not the only one with memories. Mike MacIntosh remembers too. He was a Ground Zero chaplain. And Mike chose to reopen the reality of his own memories to offer the hope and encouragement of a compassionate God to multitudes gripped by their own Ground Zero. He understands that our world can collapse, that the blackness of tragedy can descend, that hope can be snuffed out. But he relived the ugliness, the rubble, the smells, the faces, the pain of tragedy, to offer his God to others. The God of peace. Of strength. Of healing. The God who moves us forward. Sometimes our own Ground Zero begins to recede from the reality of our lives. Time has passed and the demands and expectations of daily living allow us to close off the memories. Tragedy though places our feet on a journey, and that journey continues for a lifetime. And, sometimes, we need to willingly choose to allow God to continue the healing He has already begun. For some, Ground Zero is still clouding our lives with its ashes and its still present reality creates a war zone of existence. For all of us, God longs to give us a reality that pulsates with His perspective, with expectancy, with faith, and with an identity wrapped up in the compassionate God who longs to walk our journey with us. – Bev (Related Bible reading: Isaiah 40:28-31)

Hold Loosely

Hebrews 13:14 “For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come.” Chuck Swindoll tells a story when he met Corrie ten Boom at his church. Corrie ten Boom survived the German concentration camp in Ravensbruck. She lost her father and sister who also were arrested. Their crime was trying to save as many Jews as they could from being incarcerated. Pastor Swindoll introduced her to his family. As she looked at his beautiful family, she grabbed his hand. He said that she opened my hand and said these words to me, “Pastor Swindoll, be careful to not hold too tightly to those you love. You must learn to hold everything loosely…everything. Even your dear family. Why? Because the Father may wish to take them back to Himself and when He does it will hurt you if He must pry your fingers loose.” She then let go of his hand and said, “Remember, hold everything loosely.” Corrie was speaking from a heart that had been broken many times. She knew what she was speaking of. To walk through the loss of a child is one of life’s hardest journeys. Yet it is a journey worth taking. God did have to pry my fingers loose and boy, did it hurt. The pain is indescribable. Yet from the moment I held Katie in my arms, it was pure love; it also came with the realization that in the back of my mind there was a fear of loss. As Katie’s mom, my instinct was to hold her tightly and protect her. At the young age of seventeen, I had to surrender her to the Lord. I loved her so much, but I had to recognize that ultimately she belonged to God. As I have aged, I realize many people around me are leaving this earth before me. It is hard to let go. Yet they are headed to a new life that we can’t imagine. To hold our loved ones loosely is not because we don’t care, but because we trust the One who does. – Michele

The Question of Suffering

The Question of Suffering

Why? Why does God allow suffering? Or, the more disturbing question, why does He give or bring suffering to us??? As we search for an answer, there are those so caught up in the question, they dismiss the goodness of God and they may even dismiss God Himself. Others answer the question with an intimidation meant to judge and dismiss the one who questions. But for the one who asks the question with an honest searching borne of life experiences that have gouged gaping holes in her soul, that one deserves an answer as biblically complete as possible. Death and suffering were not inherently woven into God's original intent. We see that when we consider the perfection of heaven, when we consider the perfection of the Godhead, and when we consider the perfection of creation as God originally created our world. Each time God spoke the various aspects of our world into existence, He contemplated what He had done, and He said, "It is good." There was no sin, no suffering, no death. But man did have the freedom to choose, and man chose to sin, and the perfection God created was marred and disrupted, and continues to be marred and disrupted. Satan was the one who tempted, and then man chose, and chose wrongly. God’s perfect creation was broken, set off course from God's original intent, incapable in and of itself of restoring its original perfection. Someday there will be a new earth that will fulfill God's original intent, but until then, our world must live with its brokenness. With the suffering and death that has become ours because of the brokenness of our world, God did not throw up His hands and basically say, “Well, that's the end of that!” Instead, He provides for the brokenness of our world in really three different ways. The most obvious of His provision was the gift of His Son, a gift that has the potential of providing for every man, woman, and child that has ever lived, an eternal perfection within the new earth and the new heaven. And those men, women, and children who by faith, live in relationship with God, their sins forgiven because of Christ's death on the cross, those men, women, and children will one day have and live the perfection God originally intended for them to live. (And if you may be questioning the provision God gives to the one who dies before he can possibly ever understand who God is, God does provide eternal perfection for that one too.) The second way God provides for the brokenness of our world is by the care, the love, the giving, the enabling, the comforting, the teaching, the leading, the directing and the guiding, He gives to those who live in relationship with Him. Satan and man's wrong choices brought the brokenness, but God provides the walkable path through the aftermath of suffering that the brokenness of our world brings. And the third provision God brings is to bring purpose from our suffering, to bring beauty from the ashes of our broken world. It's almost as if God says, “Satan has messed up the perfection I intended, but I will take what Satan meant for evil, for suffering, for brokenness, and I will bring from those things good things that will help those who suffer. I will use the difficulties of life, difficulties that come because of the brokenness Satan brought, and through those difficulties, I will teach those who love Me more about how to live, more about how to give to others, more about what is truly important, more about how to live in a vital relationship with Me, and more about who I am.” So, when we look at the “why” for suffering, we cannot forget that God's original intent was not for man to suffer. We must keep in mind the order within which the suffering we endure finds its expression. The order we must remember is that God intended perfection, then Satan brought brokenness to our world, and then it is God who lovingly works to “redeem” that brokenness by providing for us through His Son, through the walkable path He makes possible, and through the good He is able to bring, even when I experience the most horrendous of this world's brokenness. Most believers try to understand and explain the “why” without considering the order within which our suffering occurs, and when they do, sometimes their explanations sound hollow, and void of a loving and compassionate God. But God's love and compassion are soooo fully there, providing for the restoration of what He first intended. – Bev (Related Bible reading: Romans 8:18-30)

Be Still and Know

Romans 8:35 “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?” There are so many thoughts swirling around in my head each morning when I wake up, and the one thing I need to do, is to immediately spend time with the Lord. The enemy of my soul is continuously putting thoughts into my head that say to me, “If God really loved you, you would not have all of this chaos going on in your life,” or “If God is really who He says He is, then why did He allow your son to die,” and the biggest one that he whispers into my ear is, “God is not real, none of this is real; He doesn’t really care about you and there is no Heaven.” Even though I am confidently established in God’s love, even though I am a seasoned Christian and have been walking with the Lord for decades, when deep dark valleys come, it is so easy for me to entertain these lies. Satan uses my trials and tribulations to convince me that God does not love me. Satan wants to keep me weak and vulnerable; he wants me to believe I am powerless and incapable of being a threat to his kingdom of darkness. But this scripture tells the truth; there is nothing, absolutely nothing, I can do or that can occur in my life that separates me from the love of Christ who dwells within me. Jesus said we will have tribulation in this world, but He also promised us that He has overcome the world. This passage goes on to say in verses 38-39, “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” What our Father is saying to us is there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus, our Lord. He clearly sets this out in scripture and makes sure that nothing is left out; this covers everything. I need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God loves me when I am hurting and struggling, when my heart is overwhelmed, when my life has been shattered, when people are cruel and unkind, when I have been abandoned and when I am fearful, when the pain and the sorrow of loving and losing is just too much to bear, that there is nothing in all of creation that can separate me from the love of the One who created me. John 3:21 says, “But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.” Doing the right thing in every situation, even when we don’t feel like it, will ultimately heal and reign in my emotions. Doing the right thing even when we have been wronged is extremely important for my spiritual growth. It is very difficult to do when I am hurting and wounded, when I am faced with affliction and tribulation, when the world around me is screaming at me, pulling and tugging at me, trying to get me to react and plan a counter-attack, but God has taught me to put in place my new life commandment, the most important scripture in the Bible for me, my life verse which says, “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10) – Melody

Got a Wish? What do you want?

My childhood home was broken by unfaithfulness, muted promises, abuse, and separation. I grew up feeling very responsible for all the wrong that surrounded me. I was a bad girl, unworthy of love, especially undeserving of God’s love, undeserving of ever being a wife or a mom. The heavy weight of guilt I carried distorted life and my own potential. I learned how to present a person who was acceptable, but my inner person was shredded with guilt and shame, and then, my daughter died. Some of you can relate to my story, and many of you can share your own story of tragedy, loss, disappointment, failure, broken relationships – and then ..... With my own dysfunctional and abusive background, and then, my daughter died, there are two things I always wanted. And your own story may have a strong desire for those things as well. One, I had always wanted A REAL GOD FOR REAL PEOPLE WITH REAL NEEDS.......... As a child, teenager, and young adult, the God I knew about was distant and punitive. Christianity was neatly packaged with its rules, traditions, and well rehearsed beliefs that conformed outward behaviors, but NOTHING TOUCHED my hurting, broken heart. I wanted the closeness of a personal God, whose love was warm and vibrant, who accepted me even with my questions, my emptiness, my pain, and my failures. I wanted a God who understood my own reality, and I wanted a reality of God I could go to over, and over, and over, and know His arms were opened wide to embrace me. The second gift I had always wanted was – HOPE. Hope in my brokenness. Eternal hope for my child. Hope to be able to walk in my brokenness. Hope that my brokenness could have a healing and even, a purpose. I see the God I wanted in the Son He sent to walk a journey on earth before He sacrificially expressed His love for me on the cross making all that I longed for, possible. But as He grew from the Baby in the manger to the wholly man who was still wholly God, He shared Himself with the people who were walking, and living, in the towns He walked and lived in, and many of whom were also experiencing the hardships of our world. Yes, He taught them truth, and He taught them about who He was, and why He was among them. He taught them about sin issues that draw us away from God. But some too were just hungry after listening for awhile, and Jesus responded by feeding thousands at one time. The widow was experiencing loss upon loss. Her husband had already been buried, and now her son, her only son, was being carried to his burial place. But Jesus saw her, and His heart overflowed with compassion. Jesus spoke to the young man, and the young man sat up and began talking, and went back to his mother. Mary Magdalene was taunted, shamed, confused, and literally, possessed by demons. But Jesus cared, and He had a plan and a purpose for her, and freed her from her demons. Can we relate with our own losses, our own hunger, limited finances, or job challenges, or our own insecurities or emotional needs? Jesus cares!! And just like the father of the prodigal son, Jesus will run to us with open arms when we choose to run to Him! The prophet Isaiah encouraged God’s chosen people with these same truths. Why do you complain, .... Why do you say, .... “My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God?” He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. – Bev (Related Bible reading: Isaiah 40:25-31)

Love Never Leaves

July 2 is the last day I was able to hold my daughter. That was twenty-nine years ago. Not a single day has gone by without her living in my heart. The pain of this loss has never left me; it has just changed its shape. Over the years my tears have changed into being grateful and I have found peace in my soul. I feel so blessed, not because of my loss but because I was chosen to be her mom. Her life, even though it was only seventeen years, has changed me forever. Love has no expiration date and our bond will never be broken. The Lord carried me through days of darkness. Days I never thought I could survive. He gave me strength when I had none and hope when my heart was broken. I have learned that blessings can exist alongside grief. One does not erase another. I thank the Lord everyday for the moments I had with her. I hold onto every memory and I hold on to the promise that we will be reunited. Twenty nine years later I still miss her, but I am filled with gratitude. Her life continues to shine in my life. I will always be her mom and she will always be one of my biggest blessings in my life. Thank you, Lord, for making me Katie’s mom. Even though I only had her seventeen years, it was worth every minute. – Michele

Perfect Peace

Isaiah 26:3 “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in You.” As a child, I did not come from a home where there was peace and as a result, I developed coping skills that I brought with me into my adult life. There was a self-preservation that began to occur at a very early age, and as I grew, I became self-sufficient and very responsible, and in time I became an over achiever who relied on my own accomplishments to obtain personal satisfaction and peace. I met with a sweet friend as a result of a project I was doing for a Bible study in the book of Ephesians, and 6:15 says, “and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.” My mission was to find someone whose life was peace-filled, a person I admired who effectively applied the peace of God in her life. As I interviewed my friend, I began to realize I have never really experienced long lasting sustaining peace through every single circumstance and in the midst of difficult raging storms like she did, but that my peace had been something I had attempted to manufacture by creating an environment for myself that I thought was safe and secure. Phil. 4:6 -7, ”Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Peace is attainable, but the peace that only comes from God is an inner tranquility and calmness of the soul. I can have peace in my soul even with so much conflict going on around me; all I have to do is trust in Jesus. Here lies the problem, I have trust issues; I have been deeply wounded by people, and I don’t trust people, and my trust issues permeate into my relationship with the Lord. What I am learning is that I cannot experience the peace OF God without experiencing peace WITH God. It is not until I have completely submitted myself, totally, and radically abandoned myself to the Lordship of Jesus that I can have peace with God. As long as I am relying on my own self-sufficiency and fall back on my own self-preservation, I will continue to struggle with obtaining true peace in my life. Col. 3:15 says, “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” I find it interesting that this scripture says to be thankful. One thing the Lord has always called me to do in the midst of any fiery trial is to offer up praise and thanksgiving to Him. 1 Thess. 5:18 says, “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.” What I have come to understand is that trust fuels thanksgiving and thanksgiving activates peace. The Bible doesn’t say that we have to be thankful for what is occurring, but it does say to give thanks in all circumstances. The disciples are a perfect example of men who experienced the peace of God because they made a commitment to Him and their peace with God enabled them to sing while they were in prison, to rejoice when they suffered persecution, and the peace of God carried them through to the very end. That is the kind of peace that I want to have too. -- Melody

God is With Me Everywhere

I had heard enough about an MRI exam to be somewhat apprehensive when my doctor decided it would be a good diagnostic tool to give reason to the aches and pains I was having. The call from the scheduler definitely quieted some of that apprehension, not because she gave me an oh-don’t-worry-about-it, but because she spelled out some of the things patients do get apprehensive about, and just knowing what to expect helped to relieve some of the qualms of the unknown. Still, the morning of my exam had me praying from home to the MRI location. And the forty-five minute wait didn’t help either. And then, my name was called by a cheerful assistant. A few minutes in the dressing room preceded my being introduced to the MRI machine. It dominated the small room I was in, being much larger than I had expected, but that also meant the tunnel I was about to enter, had a far greater diameter than I had expected, and entering in a flat-on-my-back position, much like the position I was cozy in for an afternoon nap, I also entered feet first, so my head was the last part of my body being absorbed by what I then realized was a well lit enclosure. I had been told to be still, but I was also given a squeeze ball, in case for some reason, I needed to exit prematurely of the expected twenty minute exam. I tried napping, and that helped to keep me still, but my thinking needed a place to focus because the nap wasn’t coming. I was praying again, just for a quietness to saturate my spirit. And then suddenly, the hymns of my childhood and the promises from the Gaither songs I had always loved, began to rehearse themselves in my thinking. I lay there, consumed with the goodness of my God, the God who promises His presence and His peace, even in an MRI tunnel. I was totally relaxed, and a buzzer interrupted one of the hymns to tell me my time was over. And it seemed, it all happened so quickly. The next morning, my close friend sent me an online video of a song that was only vaguely familiar, but the words captured my time with God the previous day. I love You, Lord. Oh, Your mercy never fails me and all my days, I’ve been held in Your hands. ... You have been faithful ... You have been so, so good ... You have led me ... You were close like no other ... You are my provider and You lead me and guide me by Your Spirit and Your word. I have never walked alone. I knew my God had stayed with me in the tunnel and He had made His presence known, but I knew too, I have been in tunnels that were much, much darker, and much more threatening. I knew also that a few other friends were struggling in the reality of life – realities that were raw with grief, both already weighing them down with its pain, emptiness, and questioning doubt, and grief that was gnawing because it was still imminent, but it was dark with its imminence. Relationships were being stretched and responsibilities were outweighing available resources. In my MRI tunnel, I just wanted the reminder that my God never leaves and He always, always provides. Even in the middle of doubt and apprehension.. Even in the turmoil that far, far exceeds the MRI. So, I forwarded the song that had encouraged and reminded me yet again, and I prayed that my friends would hear not only a song of warmth, but a song of promises. My God will never, never leave me. And He will always, always, make my impossible reality, possible. – Bev (Related Bible reading: Psalm 139:1- 12; Psalm 23:1-6; Hebrews 13:5,6)

God's Bright Light

Matthew 5:14, 16 “You are the light of the world. A city built on a hill cannot be hidden… In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” It was with great sadness that I learned of the passing of Daisy Catchings-Shader, the founder of our cherished Umbrella Ministries, a support group for women all over the country who have suffered the loss of a child. This is a fellowship no one wants to belong to, but when I came to my first meeting after the loss of my son, Elisha, on June 19, 2015, I came to realize I was not the only mom who was suffering. I found a safe place that offered me the hope of Heaven and I met hundreds of women just like me who were also on their own grief journey and I knew that I didn’t have to walk alone. Oh, what an incredible legacy Daisy left. Every single time I talked to her, she would always encourage me to keep writing, to keep journaling, to keep reading my Bible, and to continue to look to Jesus. Matthew 10:42 says, “And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones who is my disciple, truly I tell you, that person will certainly not lose their reward." The Bible tells us that we are to be the light of the world, that city on hill, a shining beacon for all to see, that cold cup of water to the thirsty, and to come alongside those that are weary and heavy laden. That is exactly what Daisy did for over 30 years as she touched so many lives with healing words, unconditional love, and compassion for hurting and grieving women. Who would have thought that even though she suffered the devastating loss of her son Danny, that God could meet her where she was in that dark place, heal her broken heart, and then turn her tragedy into something so beautiful and amazing, a refuge of hope and strength for all to see. Isaiah 61:3 says that “those who grieve are to be given a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” What the Lord calls us to do after such a terrible loss does not come naturally. Our instinct is to curl up and pull the covers over our head and ask God to stop the world so we can get off. But I’ll never forget the day I hung up my cross that I wore around my neck that held the ashes of my precious Elisha, the first day that I was able to smile, laugh, and find joy again in my life and especially the day that I was able to enter into worship and truly praise my Lord and Savior at church. Daisy was a beautiful and shining example of someone who had an overflowing heart full of joy and she was forever praising our Lord in her speech and her countenance. When I saw her at conferences and support groups, there was a flame of excitement in anticipation of what the Lord was about to accomplish, and it was contagious. We were incredibly blessed by this remarkable and wonderful lady, and she will be greatly missed. So shines a bright light in a dark and weary world.

-- Melody

Remembering Daisy....... and her heart and leadership with Umbrella Ministries

James1:22 “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial, because having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” The word “daisy” comes from an Old English term meaning “day’s eye.” It earned that name because its petals open in the morning and close at dusk. The flower has long symbolized purity, innocence, and simplicity. To each of us, there is only one Daisy. Daisy was the perfect name for her. Her presence entered my life in 1997, during one of the darkest seasons I have ever known. In the shattering days and weeks after Katie’s death, my pain felt like it would never end. I wasn’t sure how I could go on living with a broken heart. As I struggled to find my footing, one evening this sweet woman called me. It was a simple phone call, yet it became the beginning of something that would slowly change everything. Daisy listened to me. She cared. She pointed me toward the same faith that had been such a comfort to her. It wasn’t an instant fix, and it didn’t erase the sorrow. Instead, she offered small words of hope and encouragement – something I could hold on to when each day felt overwhelming. Little by little, those moments of kindness helped me see beyond my grief. Daisy was a gift to me at just the right time. When everything had been stripped away, she reminded me that God still sees, still provides, and still sends people to walk beside us in our darkest moments. Daisy didn’t fix my grief. She simply showed up and helped me take a step forward. Looking back, that phone call marked the beginning of my journey from despair toward hope. As the years passed, I came to realize that my experience was not unique. She has touched so many lives, often arriving just when she was needed most. Each of us has our own story of how she encouraged us. Her influence on my life has taken me to places I never could have imagined. Who would have thought that a grocery store checker would one day find herself speaking to other women about grief? I still remember when Daisy asked me to write a devotional. I had to ask her, “What is a devotional?” What began with one encouraging phone call continued to open doors I never expected. The one thing I never could have imagined from that first conversation was traveling to Africa and presenting Umbrella Ministries to two villages. That happened because Daisy believed in me and encouraged me to keep moving forward. The same steady faith that helped carry me through loss is reflected in the way Daisy lives her own life. Proverbs 31 describes Daisy well. “The Lord is in the midst of her, and she will not be moved. She trusts that God will help her when morning dawns. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instruction with kindness. There are many capable women in the world, but you surpass them all.” And that is our Daisy. Our loving Daisy went home to be with the Lord. She brought so much joy into our lives, and we will cherish her sweet spirit forever. – Michele

HE Understands

I spent so many years closing off my emotions, especially the ones we aren’t sure how to cope with, and then, God’s grace opened my heart to understand Him so much more fully, and His grace began to saturate so much that had conflicted those emotions, and then He began to let me put my heart on paper in ways I never had before, having a desire to be vulnerably open on a personal level and biblically accurate in how I faced that openness, or helped others to face their own openness. But, what also came were my tears. For the most part, they had stopped with the vow I made as a child. In the gift of tears God gave to me, I felt my own emotions more strongly as well as the emotions of others as they walked their own journeys of hurt and pain, sorrow and loss, doubt and confusion. My tears for others can come openly and sometimes, unexpectedly. My tears for those things that touch me still in very personal ways, my tears come privately, or in the privacy of conversation with a trusted friend. The Isaacs is a family group that began singing in the eighties with a style similar to the Gaithers, and they have shared the Gaither stage many times. I don’t always listen intently when I am driving to what the radio station is playing, but when the Isaacs started singing, He Understands My Tears, I was fully absorbed and focused. I wrote this originally, at a time when many of us were crying our very private tears, because we were still in the middle of a pandemic, a growing pandemic, set against racial and political upheaval, economic uncertainty, and a depth of questions that didn’t seem to have clear answers. And for whatever is going on in the world around us – family issues still arise, grief grabs us and holds us, the bills aren’t getting paid, life transitions from one chapter to another, health needs are demanding attention, and ....... shall I go on??? And our tears come. And I am no different. And my own emotions, like many of you as well, have become very vivid and assaulting. But I listened to the Isaacs sing. He understands my tears ... He feels the hurt that no one can see down inside. And when the words get in the way I know He still hears, for He understands my tears. You may not believe that I'm broken for all you can see is my smile. Oh, but He hears the heart that's unspoken and He gives me strength through each trial. “He.” My God, my Jesus, His abiding-within-me Holy Spirit. “He.” He listens, He understands, He feels, He responds. And again, I was listening, but not driving. This time I was safely at home and I heard the promises of God’s faithfulness sung by I Am They. I will sing through fire and thunder, cause You are on my side, I trust You with my life. I know my story, it isn't over. Even against all odds, for You are a faithful God, that's who You are. You are a faithful God. I am convinced that Your promises will hold together and I will dwell in the hope of Your love forever. They are the words too of the psalmist and of Christ Himself. This I declare about the Lord:He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him. (Psalm 91:2) And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. (Matthew 6:30) Let our tears bring us to our God. He is faithful and He listens, He understands, He feels, and He responds. O Father, thank You. – Bev (Related Bible reading: Psalm 23:1-6)

Soooo Many Years

Our son Jeff met us for lunch at one of our favorite little shops close to home. Always an assortment of homemade soups, and creative sandwiches and salads. I was hungry for just something basic and asked for a ham and cheese sandwich, but it also came with a bag of chips. Usually the chips go home with me, so I didn’t particularly have a preference, so I told the friendly worker, “Just surprise me.” Filling our beverage cups, we sat at a small table, exploring the chrysanthemum in the middle of our small, but comfy, space. A little family chitchat, and our lunches showed up. My “surprise” bag of chips were simply “Classic,” until for some reason, I looked at the expiration date, December 14, still a few months away, but it was also the date that would have been my daughter’s forty-ninth birthday. And suddenly, the world stood still, as the memories descended. It was the proverbial “wave” of grief I have often told others can come unexpectedly, and give a good drenching. The waves do lessen in frequency and intensity as our God of comfort walks with us, but still, they come. The bag of chips went home with me, and they found a place in my study on top of a stack of books and papers. Soooo many years, and still, soooo many memories. After loss, the years do pass, and the memories do come. We cannot change the loss. We cannot change the calendar, and some memories we would like to ignore or stuff in the proverbial box, because they bring too much pain, and some memories we long to infuse with life and experience its warmth, its joy, its love, just one more time. Grief does change us, both in how we see ourselves, doing life without the one we have loved, and still love, and also in how we respond to our loss. There are choices involved in all of that, and for a season, we may feel totally incapable of choice. We are just fighting for survival, drenched and drowning in the aftermath of mountainous waves. Prayerfully, we will at some point recognize the hands and heart of God that reach out to embrace us, and help us find the footing to walk forward in our grief, one day at a time, openly, honestly, vulnerably, dependently. As we make the choice to let God embrace us, He will also give us the capacity to make the thousands of other choices we need to make. And our initial choice to let God embrace us won’t happen just once, but over and over and over. And the waves will still come, lessening in frequency and intensity, but choice will become more intentional, more directed at “God, what do You have for me now??? How does a very broken part of me become the beauty of resurrected ashes?” Yes, Tonia had her forty-ninth birthday. In Heaven, I’m not sure how they count birthdays, and I’m not sure how long Tonia will be the child who sings His praises, or if she looks more like the adult she would have been here. But I am here, and when the waves come, the emptiness of her presence here is felt, but I am also able to choose to reflect on how God has literally brought beauty to her ashes as she has touched soooo many lives in those soooo many years. And, yes, my tears still come, but my tears say, Thank You, thank You, precious, precious Father. – Bev (Related Bible reading: Psalm 40:1-3)

Having Fun

Psalm 126:5,6 “Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping carrying seeds to sow, will return with songs of joy carrying sheaves with him.” After our West Coast conference, I had the honor of taking two moms to the local airport. They’d mentioned calling an Uber, but I felt strongly that I needed to drive them myself. Now I understand why - I was being prompted by the Lord. We often think we’re doing something for others, but all along, Jesus is doing something for us too. He’s full of surprises. As I helped them unload their luggage, I asked one of the moms if she was glad she came. Her answer caught me off guard. She said, “Michele, I had so much fun.” Fun! At a conference for moms who’ve lost a child. That word didn’t compute at first. When you’re in deep grief, especially the kind that comes from losing a child, joy and lightness can feel almost inappropriate. Yet there it was, That was her answer. What strikes me most is how that single word, FUN, revealed something profound: even in our hardest seasons, we can still experience moments of connection, laughter, understanding, and relief when we’re with people who truly get it. Our conferences create space for that, and that’s no small thing. God can restore our hearts and souls beyond our understanding. God is able to bring good out of our tragedy. Jesus had a surprise waiting for me in that airport parking lot. We can still have fun, even in the middle of sorrow. Moments like these strengthen my faith and renew the compassion that keeps me going. Lord, even in our darkest moments, thank You for the sound of laughter. -- Michele

He Bends Down to Listen

Prayerfully, sometime relatively early in my journey of grief, as I am both wanting to hold tightly to all the emotions that seem to keep me in a oneness with my child, but I am also wanting to emerge from the suffocating darkness and raging rawness of my child’s death, I begin to reach for something, someone, bigger and more capable than I am, And again, prayerfully, I will reach for the hand of God – the God who wants to carry me, embrace me, and enable me to walk forward, responding to Him, even as my love and memories for my child, and of my child, remain vibrant. Even as I write this, I realize some of us were taught about the God in our religion, and He was very distant, especially when I wasn’t meeting His expectations. When my daughter died, that was the God I knew. Others though knew that God longed to walk the journey of grief with us, and He would accept our tears, even our questions, and wrap us tightly in His compassion, His love, and His care. I could choose to walk my journey with the God of relationship, the God who loves me so intensely His own Son died so that THIS God could be my own eternal Father, and the embracing God who carries me on my journey of grief. I asked the question on the website www.gotquestions.org, a favorite resource of mine when I am trying to sort through biblical truth. I asked the question, in reference to Christianity, is it a religion or a relationship. The paragraph below attempts to draw together the basics of their answer........... Most religion, theistic or otherwise, is man-centered. Any relationship with God is based on man’s works. ... Most religions are similar in that they are built upon the concept that man can reach a higher power or state of being through his own efforts. ... According to Christianity [however], God did for us what we cannot do for ourselves. ... The grace-based relationship between God and man is the foundation of Christianity and the antithesis of religion. ... “Love” speaks of relationship. ... Holiness and obedience to Scripture are important, but they are evidences of a transformed heart, not a means to attain it. ... Christianity is not about signing up for a religion. Christianity is about being born into the family of God. It is a relationship. This God hears my voice, and my prayer for mercy, as He bends down to listen to me. I can place all I am carrying in His hands, and with an emptiness that is still raw, but pure, I can tell Him, “I can’t, but He can, and I want to let Him.” And I tell Him over and over and over, especially when my emotions overwhelm me. And even though my heart still longs to listen to my child, to speak encouragement to my child, to give nurture and guidance, and sometimes, just fun! – I am learning to say “Thank You” for the gifts my God gives every day. – Bev (Related Bible reading: Psalm 116:1,2)

Acceptence

Jeremiah 10:23 “LORD, I know that people's lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps.” Letting go feels so unnatural. I have worked my entire life and have made plans for myself and when something came along to change the course of my plan, I had no choice but to go with it. I have always wanted children and when the Lord presented me with a disabled child, it took me a very long time to accept his disability. It wasn’t something I had planned; it wasn’t something I had wanted, and at first, I was very angry at God; I truly thought He had abandoned me, that He was punishing me for my past sins and honestly, my relationship with Him was rocked to the core for the first year of Elisha’s life. Rather than opening myself up to the plan the Lord had for me, I fought it, tooth and nail. I had to give up my dreams and hopes for a normal child; I had to give up my expectations that one day my son would go college, get married, and I would have grandchildren. Little by little, I began to practice acceptance of what the Lord had planned for me, and it was only then I began to truly see the gift that had been set before me. Proverbs 16:9 “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.” Sometimes losing our hopes and dreams and plans for our future is so painful people cannot come to terms with it; they never come to the place of acceptance and they become bitter and resentful, and trust me, I’ve met people like this who have disabled children and it is the most tragic thing that will ever occur. A lot of these people will never see the beauty and experience the joy of their God-given gift; they miss the wonder of their child growing up and all the Lord had established for them. I love the story of Helen Keller who at 19 months of age, an illness caused her to go completely deaf and blind. Her parents sought help for her in Boston at the Perkins School for the Blind. In that era, children like this were considered hopeless and were segregated and not allowed to be integrated into normal schools. But a tutor, Anne Sullivan, believed in her and persisted in her efforts to teach Helen to read Braille, to write and even to speak. With Sullivan’s help, Helen graduated with honors four years later from Radcliffe College, associated with Harvard, having mastered several languages. And because someone believed in her, Helen went on to receive many awards, including the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Hebrews 11:40 says “God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.” I think about those people who give up when they find out they are having a disabled child, they have an abortion or when they are born, they give those children up either for adoption, or institutionalize them into a home and they never see the beauty and they never see the perfect gift that they have been given. They will never experience the incredible joy, the absolute closest thing to perfection on earth; God’s perfect and beautiful gift was just tossed away, never to be opened, never to be held, never to be allowed in to radically change their lives forever, but instead, they run away from the blessing and the challenge instead of embracing the gift, eager to gain all the blessings God has hidden in this package because it looks too difficult and we don’t like the package that this beautiful gift has been wrapped in. And so it is like everything, if we truly believe God is sovereign and if we truly are able to trust Him in every aspect of our life and in every situation, if we would just be thankful for what He has given us, we open the door to complete and total tranquility and peace within our soul, no matter what the circumstance. – Melody

We Need Each Other

Pastor Joey, speaking in a Sunday morning sermon, highlighted the biblical principles God offers all of us as we struggle with the harsh realities of life. Stay persistent with God. Identify the need you are struggling with. Don’t attempt to bring about wellness on your own terms. Take God at His word, and take the initial steps God has for you, and then, walk forward, totally dependent on the God who wants to bring the wellness, and find the others too God has for you to journey with, others who can encourage you because they have walked a similar journey. I questioned whether or not Pastor Joey or myself, were over-simplifying. What Pastor Joey said did echo words I had written years earlier and continued to teach, especially to those broken by life circumstances. Face it – Identify the brokenness or need that is yours. Feel it – Identify the consequences of your brokenness or need. How has it affected you? How has it affected others around you? Forsake it – Give it to God in utter dependence. Ask for His leading, guidance, and provision. Be ready to repeat these “steps” as often as needed. Pastor Joey though wisely encourages us to not face our struggles alone. Again, find the others too God has for you to journey with, others who can encourage you because they have walked a similar journey. But, Bev, isn’t God enough? Most definitely, but, God uses people, community, to touch our lives with His truth, His heart, His direction, His provision. We do need each other, and God planned it that way. God encourages the help of others throughout Scripture. Probably one of the most repeated and relatable illustration of others giving to help another is the story of the men who carried a paralyzed man to a house Jesus was teaching at, and the crowds who were listening blocked their entering. No problem for this community of helpers. They carried the man to the roof, dug a hole through the roof through which to lower their friend to Jesus. Jesus did the rest, and the paralyzed man found both forgiveness and physical healing. Personally, I have seen the help community can give when moms who have suffered the loss of a child, gather in community with other moms. We are free to share our broken emptiness, our questions, and our fears – and know we will be understood and accepted, and therein lies community. But because of that community, we can also become the heart and voice of our God who gives His love, His comfort, His strength, and even brings beauty from tragedy. And so many other needs persist in the lives of so, so many. God needs us to become His heart and voice, His hands and His feet, to become the community that is needed. Especially when we have walked a similar journey, But sometimes the only similarity needed, is knowing the “whatever” God has done for us, and from a heart of gratitude, becoming part of the community another needs. – Bev

In My Darkness I Found Light

Psalm 31: 21 “Praise the Lord, for He has shown me the wonders of His unfailing love. He kept me safe when my city was under attack.” It was an attack like no other. The darkness I was in just kept surrounding me. I felt no relief from this deep pain I found myself in. I felt I had been forgotten. I prayed for relief but there was none to be found. In Psalm 13, David writes, “How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul; with sorrow in my heart every day?” He almost sounds like he is yelling at God when he says these words, “Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!” Instead of turning away from God, he does just the opposite. He comes boldly to the One who can restore the sparkle to his eyes. You would think this was the darkness I was in was after the loss of my daughter Katie. The funny thing about this is, it was 20 years after my daughter’s death. Even in my time of grief I felt the Lord’s presence. I knew He was there walking beside me. I trusted in His love for me. Can I explain my dark days twenty years later? I have no explanation. Everything seemed right in my world, yet here I was in some of my darkest days. Depression is real. Depression is scary. Depression is lonely. Getting out of depression takes faith that God is still beside you. It also takes hard work. It requires being truthful to yourself, to others, and to God. We all will walk through dark times. There is no shame in that. Don’t give up! Seek help! Be bold like David and He will point you in the right direction. When I look back at that time, I still don’t understand how I found myself in such a dark time. There is no explanation except we live in a fallen world. What I do know is that there is help. There is a way through those dark times. The Lord kept me safe when I was under attack. He loves me. If He can love me, then I know He loves you too. Lord, You are our strength. You are strong when we are weak. You light a lamp for us in our darkness. – Michele

God Does Love me!

Mark 12: 30-31 “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." As I was I was sitting in church the pastor was speaking about these two scriptures and he said the most important commandment in the Bible was to love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. As I sat and pondered this scripture, I thought about those who have never been shown love in their life, those that were raised in homes where their own parents had never truly been loved and so as a result, they passed down through generations what they thought was love, but in reality, it was very conditional, perhaps unkind, critical, harsh and maybe even performance based. If you were good, you were a good child and if you were bad, you were a bad child; there was never anything in between. I begin to think about how I came to be able to love my God in the way this scripture commands; what I did was I just made Him my priority and when everyone else around me disappointed me, I turned to Him and He was always there for me. I truly thought that I loved Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, but then here comes the second greatest command, to “love your neighbor as yourself.” And so the question became, if you have never been taught how to truly love, do you really love yourself? As the pastor asked this question, he said of course it’s easy to look in the mirror and like what you see, but that is not what this scripture is talking about. The real question is, do you really love yourself like God loves you, do you really see yourself as He sees you and do you love yourself and your life? Psalm 18:19 says, “He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he was pleased with me and delighted in me.” According to this scripture, David truly believed that God loved him, that God took pleasure in him and that God delighted in him. I wonder how many of us actually believe this? To be honest with you, I’ve struggled with this thought; I believed that God really loved me because he gave me the most beautiful gift in the world, someone who loved me unconditionally, someone who delighted in me, someone who took pleasure in me, someone who made me feel like I was the most important person in the world, my sweet Elisha boy. When God took that gift away from me, I began to look at myself and believe I had something to do with his death, that maybe if I had done something different, things would not have turned out how they did and I really wondered if God really loved me. Even though He was so near to me, even though He was speaking to me daily, I had a head knowledge, but I was having a very difficult time believing He truly loved me and applying this truth to my life. 1 Peter 4:12-13 says, “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed.” Day by day, moment by moment, God is working in us an eternal glory that is being revealed to every single person around us and He never gives us more than He has equipped us to endure, He has never left us, not for one moment, He has never forgotten us, He understands every heartache and, as a matter of fact, I have finally been able to see that He truly does love me and has my best interests at heart. I can’t explain to you how that shift has occurred; maybe it was my glimpses into Heaven and finally believing His promises to me about my future home with Him, but I can tell you this, as a result of my unrestrained, uncompromising, pure devotion to Him, I can certainly feel it returned from Him to me one hundred fold. – Melody

God Wants Your Love, Not Your Perfection

Romans 6:23 “For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.” As we stepped through the door of the charming little shop, my eyes caught on a cluster of small Post-it notes clinging to the weathered wooden frame. A simple sign beside them read, “Please take one.” One note drew me in immediately, almost as if the Lord Himself had hung a glowing neon sign with flashing arrows pointing straight at it: This is for you. The soft pink paper bore these words in neat handwriting: “God wants your love, not your perfection.” In that quiet moment, the message landed like a tender whisper to my soul—freeing, reassuring, and exactly what I needed to hear. How I struggle with my perfection that eludes me. I love how the Bible describes our sin. The Bible tells us no one is righteous, no one is truly wise, no one does good. It even tells us our talk is foul, like stench, which means our tongues are full of lies. Even when we talk, snake venom drips from our lips. Destruction and misery follow us. Yet even in our imperfection, thank God, He has shown us how we can be made right by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. Does God keep a score of all the wrongs that we do day in and day out? Can our imperfections disqualify us from entering into the pearly gates we long for? The Bible doesn’t tell us to get our act together first. It tells us to come as we are. David, after he had wrecked everyone's lives, cried out to the Lord to create in him “a clean heart, oh God.” He didn’t say fix me, so I deserve you, but instead fix me because I can’t fix myself. God isn’t waiting for polished perfection. He knows that can’t happen. He is chasing after the broken, the one who keeps saying Lord, I goofed again. I keep coming back in all my brokenness, and He says He still loves me even with my flaws. That little pink Post-it note was a love note to me. He was telling me, Michele, I see you. I don’t need you fixed, I just need you here with Me.

– Michele