Although I don’t journal according to the prescribed traditions of some, I still, nonetheless, find that putting words to my thoughts and feelings is much more effective than simply holding onto those thoughts and feelings. Writing brings a greater objectivity in dealing with those thoughts and feelings that can become an unwelcome bundle of wandering irrationality. Sometimes that hodgepodge has a somewhat valid basis, meaning that my thoughts and emotions are tied in with a real happening. Honesty though about my feelings must preclude a sorting through of both the reality of an experience and my interpretation of that experience, or my response to it. Apart from a willingness to be honest, there is simply a gut-wrenching upset in the pit of my stomach. Not much fun, and for me, it isolates me from anyone who would actually care or help me gain a better perspective.
Today has been a day of celebration for most of the world around me, and yet I find myself drawn inward and downward. (It’s interesting, to say the least, how both of those always seem to go together.) I was already reacting, rather than responding as I encourage others to do, to a situation I had no control over. The unfolding of the situation really had no comfortable, easily acceptable, conclusion, and my spirit balked at it, and the irrational thinking began. What if...? Why? Surely, there must be a better place, or a better time ... And although, I was not the one at the center of what was happening who most needed resolution, because of personal “feelings,” it was becoming more and more about “me.” And then, my me-focus heard words that seemingly threatened my security and distorted my comprehension of reality. Not ready to embrace the celebratory spirit of others, even when they wanted to celebrate, I withdrew and added to my misery. What I am experiencing, is a classic case of “downward spiral.” And the only reason I dare to “publicly” pronounce what is happening, is a realization that I am not the only one to descend in a downward spiral.
The biblical psalmist could descend and the biblical psalmist would write. In essence, he journaled, a term not found in the pages of Scripture, but still vividly illustrated for us. Read a few of the psalms in a modern translation and you will be more apt to catch the full impact and significance of what is being said. Anger, depression, confusion, deep sorrow, and the resulting reactions and distortions are commonly spelled out. I am convinced that God prefers our honesty though to our withdrawal or our denial or minimizing. When the psalmist clearly, and perhaps rawly, wrote and confronted his own thoughts and feelings, he did not do it in total isolation, because he did it in the presence of God. And the grace of God received what he thought and felt, and brought him back to the stability and enlightenment of truth – truth that allowed him to continue pursuing what God was laying out in front of him. I have a choice. Honesty or denial. Continuing downward or taking what is raw and irrational into the presence of God. Distortion that confuses or truth that frees.
(Related Bible reading: Psalm 6:1-10)
