Deuteronomy 30:19 "I have set before you life and death… therefore choose life…"
There came a time in the grief process when I felt a tremendous struggle going on within me. It was so strong I could feel myself physically being torn apart. I don’t know how to explain these feelings. I felt I was in this deep pit of grief and I knew I wanted to lift my head up and maybe see what was going on outside of this dark place I was in. I was afraid, and I am still not sure what sense this makes, but I now know, in grief, there is no sense to be made. You feel what you feel and that is it! I think I was afraid of how my future would go on without my daughter in it and if it did go on how would I ever find happiness in it. I know my biggest fear was in my moving out of this pit of grief, I would be leaving my daughter behind. I could not bear the thought of saying good-bye to her a second time. My grief was what I felt kept her connected to me.
One day I was discussing this struggle with my older daughter and what she said gave me so much comfort. She said, "Mom, you are not moving away from Katie; you are actually moving towards her." It was in this statement I realized to stay in that pit would keep me stuck, not only in my life, but in terms of moving closer to my daughter. I was not leaving her behind; I was leaving that dark place of pain that was not helping me or anyone else. It takes time and courage to decide we are ready to live again. It is not easy, but, oh, it is well worth it. Luther once wrote, "I have held many things in my hands and I have lost them all, but whatever I have placed in God’s hands, that I still possess." I came to realize that in choosing to live again and releasing the hold that grief had on me, I am living a full and happy life, and one day I will join my daughter who is in the hands of a loving God.
Lord, as we each find ourselves on this path of grief, each one is in a different place, but eventually we need to choose to live again. I pray for each woman that they have the courage to choose life!
--Michele
