Job 10:20-22 "Are not my few days almost over? Turn away from me, so I can have a moment’s joy before I go to the place of no return, to the land of gloom and utter darkness, to the land of deepest night, of utter darkness and disorder, where even the light is like darkness."
As the man I called Dad is slowly being chipped away by the chisel of Alzheimer’s, I search for beauty in the dust. He was the man who used to place me on his toes as I would dance along to the music of his time. The beautiful sound of music used to sing from his lips as he played the French horn in the Army band. His strong and handsome features were often the talk of my friends in our neighborhood. I too thought my dad was not only the most handsome man I knew but he was always so kind and loving. His work ethic has carried on throughout the lives of his seven children. He worked six days a week most of his life to put food on our table and clothes on our backs. He loved us and my mom unconditionally.
Some of this is still present in him but this disease is slowly stripping him of so much. So I look for the beauty that I can still find. As I sat beside him and my mom at dinner, he asked me a question that set me back for a minute. He looked at me and said, "Michele, did something happen to Katie?" I realized the disease had erased from his memory the death of my daughter. "Yes, Dad, Katie died," I replied. He looked at me, picked up his fork, and proceeded to eat. Not a word was spoken or a tear shed. I saw right before my eyes a glimpse of beauty in the ashes. My dad forgot for a moment he had lost one of his grandchildren, but he did remember my daughter’s name out of his 27 other grandchildren.
I remember witnessing my dad struggle as he walked beside me in my grief after my daughter left us. He cried tear for tear right along with me. This disease has freed him from having to revisit the pain of loss. I am not sure if he even understood what I had told him. I have decided I will never have to tell him again that his granddaughter has died. If he were to ask me again I will just tell him that she is busy working on an important project. There is no need to remind him of something painful because the reality would be lost in a moment’s time. In the loss of his granddaughter there is no need to bring him into my world. I will give him those moments of joy until he enters into the land where there is no gloom or darkness and where the Son will shine!
Do you find yourself looking at a pile of dust? It is hard to see the beauty in the messes of life. We each have faced many challenges and difficult times. It is often hard to find the beauty when we are facing those hard knocks. We often can’t see them until after the messes have been cleaned up, but they are there. The most beautiful part of all is God gives us the strength to overcome what is overcoming us.
– Michele
