The story of Lazarus is one I have pondered upon a lot since the death of my child because there was always a hope, even at the very end, that the Lord would heal Elisha and raise him up out of his bed. And I’m not talking just heal him from the aspiration pneumonia that finally took his life, but from the cerebral palsy and the cognitive disability that he suffered from since the day he was born. I truly had visions of being that one person in this modern day age that could say God had reached down and touched my child, and he was instantaneously and miraculously healed. But that didn’t happen, at least not on this side of Heaven, and in the dark days that followed his death, I did question whether the Lord really loved me. Even though the Lord has declared His love for me over and over, in the midst of this difficulty, in the center of the storm raging around me, often times I lost my way, I took my eyes off my Savior and forgot that I belonged to Him and I began sinking into the depth of the sea of discouragement, sorrow and grief, and I came to a place where I questioned His love for me.
2 Peter 1:3 says, “His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.” So the real question is, do I really know Him? Do I really know personally and intimately the One who died on the cross for me; do I have a personal relationship with the One who invited me into God’s throne room; do I really and truly know this Jesus who came to earth who loved me with an everlasting love? Have I completely abandoned myself to the Lord and have I experienced His divine nature; have I made Him the Lord of my life; am I content to defer to Him and have I allowed Him to take control of each and every situation that arises? My love for Him is so fickle and it changes from day to day, moment by moment, but His love for me never ever changes.
Jeremiah 31:3 says, "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” If God promises me that He loves me with an everlasting love, then why is it so difficult for me to believe? Because just like Mary and Martha who wondered where Jesus was when their brother Lazarus died, so oftentimes I wonder where my Lord is in the midst of tragic circumstances. Where was He when my parents divorced; where was He when my marriage fell apart; where was He when I lost my job; where was He when my child was diagnosed with a disability; where was He when my loved one died? I believe it is in times like these that our Lord wants us to question Him; He wants us to cry out to Him and ask Him, “Where are You in all of this?” I know what the answer is, because it was there in that hospital room that I felt His presence; it was there in the final hours of my child’s death that a peace entered the room and His majesty and His glory were revealed; it was there in that moment of time that I felt His love for me and my tiny little family, and it was there that I knew that one He loved would be truly healed and made whole. And when the Lord took Elisha home, I knew my prayers had been answered. Not how I had imagined them, but answered nonetheless.
– Melody
