I’ve been missing my son terribly these past couple of months, and although I do have a couple of support groups that I go to, they only meet periodically and my grief seems to envelop me daily; my pain seems more intense these days; my loss seems even greater than before. I miss my child and I can’t believe that’s he’s gone, and I wish I had someone in my life I could call whenever I am ambushed by these grief triggers. Unfortunately, they seem to come at the most inopportune times -- in the morning when I get up at 5:15 a.m., in the middle of my day while I’m at work, while I’m driving home on the freeway stuck in traffic, and when I lay my head down on my pillow at night. I ask myself why that phone seems so heavy, why don’t I pick it up and call a friend to help me through these times of deep brokenness and sorrow, through my dark valley that seems to constantly close in on me. There are many reasons, but honestly, I just feel like the world has moved on, and since my child went to his eternal home in Heaven, people don’t seem to want to talk about him anymore. My husband and my other son handle their grief differently; they stay busy, and the death of our child is almost like the proverbial elephant in the room; we very carefully walk around it.
As I was pondering the scriptures in my study about Peter, the verse in Mark 1:17-18 struck a chord with me when it said, “‘Come, follow me,’ Jesus said, ‘and I will make you fishers of men.’ At once they left their nets and followed him.” Peter had abandoned all for Christ, or so it appeared. Peter believed he had left everything to follow Jesus; after all, he left his life as a fisherman; he left his family and his identity to follow Christ, yet he denied knowing Jesus, not once, but three times. In that humbling moment in the high priest’s courtyard, he came face to face with the fact that even though he had abandoned his earthly possessions, Peter had not completely surrendered himself. However, after the death and resurrection of his friend, we see Peter again in John 21:15-19, where he was given another opportunity to lay down his life to the One whom he loved. Peter loved Jesus deeply, but one major obstacle that got in the way before he could truly become that man he was created to become was the obstacle of self. Even though Peter had abandoned his personal interest the first time he was called to follow Jesus, Peter now had a deeper understanding of what it meant to be a disciple.
The question in my study was posed, “What about you; have you abandoned self for Christ?” As I thought about this question, I thought about my grief and my sorrow, my pain and my brokenness over the loss of my child. Honestly, when he was living here on this earth, he was a full-time job; his needs were constant and his care was immediate. I felt I was never able to truly choose to give all that I could to Christ. My days and my identity were wrapped up in being a caregiver to my disabled son, but now I have been freed up from that overwhelming responsibility. Yes, there was always a sweet balance of years when I was able to spend time with the Lord through Bible study, walking with Him and talking with Him in prayer on a consistent basis, but self-surrender and self-sacrifice didn’t seem to enter in. Now things are different. My grief, my pain, my sorrow, my tears, my brokenness and my mourning in some ways will always be there, but I can still lay them down, ask God to have them in the place He wants them to be and weave them into what He wants me to be and do. I want to lay them down. I want to deny myself and take up my cross and follow Him.
– Melody
