I recently read an article written for Grief Watch. The title of the article was, “One More Day -- What Would You Do?” The author, Eleanor Haley, wrote about a survey where they asked people who had suffered the loss of a loved one, a simple question. The question was, “Would you give up a year of your life to have one more day with the person who died?” Early in my grief my first response would have been yes. As I heard her describe her day with her mom, I thought of what my day would be like if my daughter came back for one day. In the beginning of this journey, I wished I could have a do-over. If only I could have recaptured that last day. I know I would have paid more attention to that day. What was my daughter wearing? How did her hair smell that day? I would have tried to capture the sound of her voice and record it somewhere safe in my mind where I would remember her tone and all her funny words that were used incorrectly. My day would have been an intense study of all that made my daughter who she was. I now think maybe in trying to hold on to those intricate details, I would have lost what was most important. I now know I would just sit in the stillness of that 24 hours and just stay in that moment, not worrying about all I might forget.
In this scenario, time does what time does and marches on. Soon I would once more count down those minutes. Those unimaginable good byes would have to come again. I realize I would not have the strength to hug her and have to let her go again. To make the decision on what year I would have to give up, I take myself on my journey of the last twenty years. I have found there is so much I have gained in these last twenty years. So many blessings that have taken place through those years. What year would I give up? Would I give up the year my other daughter became a wife? Would I give up those years that I became a grandmother over and over again? What blessings would I miss in the year I decided to give up? Of course this is not possible, and I have to admit I am glad.
What these twenty years have taught me is I can’t change things that are out of my control. Often times the bad things that happen to us are the very things that wake us up. We find we truly value what we are left with. I pray I have lived my life better so I won’t need any do-overs. George Matheson, a Scottish preacher said, “My God, I have never thanked thee for my thorn! I have thanked thee a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorn; I have been looking forward to a world where I shall get compensation for my cross, but I have never thought of my cross as itself a present glory. Show me that I have climbed to thee by the path of pain. Show me that my tears have made my rainbow.”
I would love to see my daughter again. It is not my time and that time will come again when God calls me home. As I thought about the question in the survey, I had a question of my own. Would I want my daughter to give up a day of her life in a place where no eye has seen or ear has heard what God has prepared for her? I have lived here without my daughter for twenty years. I am twenty years closer to spending eternity with her. Time is ticking away! It is not the ticking of the clock telling me I have to say good bye. It is ticking with the pleasant anticipation of a forever hello and a hug that will last for eternity.
Lord, I thank you for the ticking of time. Though time does not heal all wounds, it definitely gives us a different perspective.
– Michele
