When we mourn, it is taking the internal feelings of grief and expressing them outside ourselves. There are many times in the Bible where we read of men tearing their garments in grief. This is how they mourned their losses. Jacob tore his clothes and mourned for his son Joseph, believing he had been killed. Joshua and the elders tore their clothing in deep mourning before God, after their defeat in the small city of Ai. Their mourning took a physical action, and it also was evident to those around them that something they cherished had been taken from them. It was grief made public. It is something we as a society are so uncomfortable with.
I recently had a chance to attend a Jewish memorial service. It was for a young woman who had lost her battle to breast cancer. She had a husband and two young boys. As we sat waiting for the service to start, her husband walked down the center of the aisle. You could hear a pin drop. He turned around and faced the crowd and ripped his shirt right at his heart. He then cried out in Hebrew, “Blessed are You, Adonai, Our God, Ruler of the Universe, the True Judge.”
I sat there mesmerized to see this outward expression of grief. It felt shocking to me at first. I then felt that it was probably the most honest expression of grief I had witnessed in a long time. His pain was real and touching, and it moved me to tears to see his grief made public for all of us to witness. I saw his grief, but I also heard in his pain the release of his wife to Adonai, the ruler of the universe. Afterwards I did some research on what this all meant. According to the Torah, one of the essential elements of mourning is the performance of the kriah, the rending of the outer garments by the mourners. The purpose of this is to allow those in attendance to express their grief and release the feelings of grief they are carrying. It also represents that the outer garment (the body) is all that has been torn from our lives. The memory and the love we had for that person still remains.
It seems sad to me that as a society we feel the need to get permission or approval to mourn. We understand the need to grieve, but I think many times people put limits on what is acceptable in their eyes when it comes to how we mourn. There were many times in my early grief I felt like falling down, kicking my feet and throwing a down right tantrum. I always felt the need to be more concerned about making others not feel uncomfortable with my grief. I wonder sometimes if I would have thrown that tantrum if many of those around me would have joined me in that temper tantrum. I know they all felt they needed to be strong for me. We cannot comfort one another unless we are true with how we feel. To lock up our feelings and deny what we have lost only closes our hearts to others and ourselves. So let’s all render our outer garment and allow those who are grieving to be able to mourn in the fashion that best suits them and then offer them comfort.
Lord, You give us permission to mourn. To see the Old Testament mourning come to life in today’s world was transforming and powerful.
– Michele
