As I close the chapter of the year of 2017, this is a time of reflection, a time to take a good look at the past, to stop and meditate on the personal growth that has occurred, to learn and grow from the mistakes that were made, and then to let go, pressing forward and embracing the plans God has for me in the future. As I think about this past year, the one word that describes my life is change. There has been a shift in me, not only in my heart and my attitude, but in my relationships, in my friendships, in my marriage and most of all in my walk with the Lord. My God has moved me to higher ground, not only physically, but spiritually. He has radically transformed me this past year and I must say that the revisions that have occurred in my heart, have not been comfortable, they were wrought with tears, fashioned with loneliness and shaped with a neediness and hunger within me in the wee hours of mornings before the dawn with a Bible on my lap and a pen in my hand. And it is there that my Lord has pointed His laser beam of truth into the dark areas where I have hidden for so many years, into the ugliness of habitual sin that was borne out of my childhood and had permeated into every single thought in my mind and every word that fell from my lips.
Psalm 46:9-10 says, “He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth. He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; He burns the shields with fire. He says, ‘Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.’” The one thing I have clung to this past year is the immovable, the unshakeable, the steadfast, the ever faithful and never changing love of my Savior. As I consider how my life was completely shattered as a result of the death of my son, it’s almost as if I hit a brick wall this past year. They say that the second year after the death of a child is harder than the first and I found that to be an understatement. It seems that all of those closest to me have really moved on and yet for me, there was a constant friction in my soul that could not be satisfied. There was a war between my desire to create a new normal, a new life, and to press on to what God had intended for me all along, and my need to hang on to my child that had slipped through my hands into eternity. No matter what I did, where I went or who I spent my time with, it all felt manufactured and constantly threatened the memory of Elisha who now resides in heaven.
The walls I had created from when I was a child that helped me secure my survival on this earth had been burned down to the ground with fire and I was left exposed, not knowing what to do or where to turn to. There was no one I could trust, no one who was safe, no one who understood, no one in the world who was able to walk with me on this lonely journey of grief and so I had no choice but to finally submit myself to the One who had given me the most precious gift I had ever received and then, the One whom I felt, had stolen that gift from me. I needed to become utterly dependent upon my God in whom I had never truly placed my complete trust in, I needed to dwell beneath the shadow of His wing, to abide in the One and only place I have ever found comfort, peace and tranquility within my soul. And it has been there at the break of day that I have lingered each morning where I have truly found my solace and my healing, where I have found streams of Living Water that refresh me with gladness and joy each and every day. It has been in this holy place where the Most High dwells, that I now long for more than anything else, more than life it self. When I arise from my sacred space after spending time with my wonderful, beautiful Savior, the war within me ceases, the weapons I have clung to are shattered, and I realize there is a little bit less of me and there is a lot more of Him who exists within me. I have now become still and know that I am truly the city of the Living God who is exalted in all the earth and I am more than able to face the world and to live victoriously another day.
