2 Corinthians 3:18 “And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”
As the day wore on, my mood worsened and I began to draw my attention to the things that were bothering me. By the end of the day, I was in a foul mood and I could not figure out why. I chalked it up to just being disgusted with myself for having those three cookies at the Bible study pot luck last night, and then five cookies after lunch today, after a week with no sugar. But was that what was really bothering me? Or was it the fact that I actually had given in to my craving when I had already had a mindset to fast from sugar so I could hear from the Lord. I had purposed in my heart to give up something that I knew I was turning to for comfort as a result of this difficult trigger date, and because I was in a difficult season, I really wanted to be able to come to my Heavenly Father and have Him be enough. I was so disappointed with my lack of willpower, but most of all, I was afraid God would not speak to me because I had failed miserably. As I sat before the Lord this morning, the notion that I had put my God in such a small box to think He would withhold His affection and love toward me because I had broken my sugar fast seemed ridiculous, but isn’t that we do? I know for a fact that this is not how God operates, but there is an ingrained life commandment that has been a part of me since I was a child that says, “I must perform in order for you to love me.” How often do we bring these mistaken lifelong belief systems that keep us in bondage into our relationship with our Heavenly Father? Why do we allow our thoughts toward Him to be controlled by our experienced failed relationships?
Jeremiah 29:12-13 says, “Then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find me when you seek Me with all your heart.” I have come to a place in my grief journey that I long to be free of the suffering that comes along with the pain and heartache of losing my son. Even though his loss will always be with me, I have grown weary of the fallout that occurs within me when certain dates roll around on the calendar. The anticipation that sets in begins with a pit in my stomach and it is almost as if the enemy of my soul wants me to entertain thoughts that tell me if I had done something different that my child would not have died. I long to turn my attention to the One who is my sufficiency and who can raise me up from the dark suffering that encompasses me as I travel through the valley of the shadow of death. I want to be a purposeful and intentional listener as I walk this path with my Savior who is there beside me. I want to hear His still small voice speaking truth and love into my life. I want to be aware of His presence instead of the emptiness that comes along with the loneliness of death here on the earth. I want the intimacy of continuous surrender to the Lord and peace, confidence and security that begins and ends with the only One who really knows me and sees every single tear that falls.
So as I sit before the Lord this morning, I have to ask myself, “Why are you so troubled, dear one.? Why are you downcast; why have you been enduring long nights and weary days fearing that your God has forgotten you, when all along He has been there waiting for you to call out to Him in your distress? Do you not know, have you not heard, that He is God and there is no other? His counsel shall stand and He will accomplish His purpose; He has spoken and He will bring it to pass; if He has purposed it, He will do it. His promises are true and He is a faithful and good, good Father who longs to give good gifts to His children.” When I call upon the name of Jesus, no matter what, when I pray to Him, no matter where, He will listen to me when I seek Him with all my heart. And as I walk with Him and talk with Him, in time, as I continue to enter into the throne room of grace each and every morning, I will continue to contemplate the Lord's glory, and in turn, He will transform me into His image with ever-increasing glory, which comes only from the Lord, who is the Spirit of the Living God.
