Psalm 138:7-8 “Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You preserve my life. You stretch out Your hand against the anger of my foes; with Your right hand You save me. The LORD will vindicate me; Your love, LORD, endures forever—do not abandon the works of Your hands.”
I woke up in the wee hours of the morning; my heart was racing; I was drenched in sweat and my breathing was quick and shallow. The first thought that came to my mind was that I was having an anxiety attack. It had been four and a half years since I had one before and instantly my mind went back to that day. Elisha was in the hospital fighting for his life; I had completely lost control of everything around me, and there was nothing I could do. I began to hyperventilate and my mind brought me back to the present moment. Instantly the verse in 2 Corinthians 10:5 came to mind that I had memorized decades ago… “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” I began to pray and ask the Lord to take captive my thoughts; I knew this was a crucial moment. I got up out of bed and went outside. The air was warm and I stuck my feet in the pool and wrapped my arms around myself in an attempt to calm my heart that seemed to be beating out of my chest. Again, my mind began to wander to all the things that were happening at work, to the personal life changes that were occurring as we were preparing our home for my mother to come live with us, the plans for our youngest son to move out and the impact that all of it was having in my marriage. I had been so used to taking care of everyone, and everything and nothing seemed to be going my way and the fact of the matter was, all of this was just too overwhelming, I felt like life was closing in on me and I had lost control, yet again.
Romans 12:1 says, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God – this is your true and proper worship.” Sometimes I wish there was a rule book that I could refer to when my security has been threatened. I wish I had an outline so I could prepare myself with what is going to happen and how I am supposed to act. My problem is that I simply don’t trust God’s plan and so I have created my own, often times making terrible mistakes or poor choices that have taken me to places I never wanted to go. There have been times I have shaken my fist at God and have said “How could You have let this happen?” When in reality, I have created the path and outcome I have produced because of my own self-will run riot. God has given me free will to sin, but I don’t get to choose the consequences that go along with that sin.
Eventually, I always come to the place where I grow and mature as a result of my mistakes, but there is always a price to pay. So many times I have been unable to shake the regret that goes along with the consequences and it is only then that I begin to trust the Lord with what is happening in my life. The scriptures tell us we are to offer ourselves daily as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God. We are to worship Him daily by dying to ourselves, our plans, our wants, our desires, and offer ourselves up to Him and His plans for us, His will for us, His purpose for us and we are to trust Him completely. The problem with being a living sacrifice is I want to get up off the altar and walk away!
Romans 12:2 says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” The battle is really in the mind because, in reality, I have no control over anything or anyone and at the end of the day, God is sovereign over all. It took a few hours for the Lord to calm my anxious heart, and as I set my mind on Him and on the things of Him, I began to trust that His perfect and divine will is going to be performed. He continually tells me not to trust in the things of this world, but to daily wash my mind with the power of His Word. I know the ending to the story, I’ve read the book, I know what is going to happen, so why do I have regrets when God will ultimately work all things to His good and to His glory? Although I walk in the midst of trouble, He preserves my life. My Lord promises to deliver me and as He stretches out His hand to save me, He vindicates me with His love and His grace, and mercy is enough for today.
– Melody
