August 20, 2020

He Who Watches Over Me

Psalm 142:3 “When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who watch over my way.” When I was growing up, even though I had an earthly biological father, the memories of him have never been good; in fact, to the contrary, there were traumatic events that happened in my childhood that caused me to feel overwhelming fear, anxiousness, and at times I felt abandoned and extremely unsafe. Gentleness and tenderness were never characteristics I remember as a child and, as a result, trust does not come easy for me. As a child, I learned to retreat into a world of my own when I felt unsafe and I would talk to myself out loud and even then, in those times when I felt so incredibly alone, I knew instinctively that I was not alone. From a very young age I always felt there was a presence who watched over every single thing that happened. It was almost as if I could see that girl crying, but I never really connected with her. I was always reaching out to something bigger, wondering who could see me, who could hear me, who really cared about me, and I knew that someone did, and as a small child, in my loneliness, that is where I drew my comfort. I love the parable of the mustard seed, "What shall we say the kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it? It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest of all seeds on earth. Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds can perch in its shade." (Mark 4:30-32.) Developing faith and trust in our heavenly Father is a very slow process and it takes a very long time; in fact, for most people it takes a lifetime. I began to develop a trust in something greater as a very young child and that little seed that the Lord planted in me as a child has grown over the years. If you look at the rest of this scripture, in Mark 4:34, it says, that Jesus “did not say anything to them without using a parable. But when He was alone with His own disciples, He explained everything.” It has always been when I am alone with Him that the Lord has shown me His greatest insights, has given me my most significant epiphanies. Always it has been when He has taken me aside and shown me how to examine my heart, how to give Him my fears, how to lay down my doubts, that He has given me back in return every time I get alone with Him. He gives me a little bit more tenderness, a little bit more gentleness, a little bit more peace, a little more understanding, things that the world has never been able to give me. It has taken a lifetime for me coming to a place where I am finally so comfortable with Him that I long to be alone with Him every opportunity I have. In Hebrews 13:5, Jesus says, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." He will never abandon me, He will always be with me, He will always see me and track with me. He will be that consistent friend who will never forsake me or disappoint me. But the best part about my heavenly Father is that he is giving me what my earthly father never was capable of giving me, tenderness, sweetness, gentleness, patience, goodness, kindness, comfort, peace, security, healing, adoration and most of all the love that I have craved my entire life, and it is only found in One place. And His promise to me is that “surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matt. 28:20) That alone for me is the best source of comfort I will ever have. – Melody