Psalm 22:15 “My strength has dried up like sunbaked clay. My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth. You have laid me in the dust and left me for dead.”
When we released my daughter’s ashes, this verse came alive to me. I witnessed my beautiful daughter’s body transformed into dust that floated softly into the wind. The reality of death and my daughter’s absence screamed into the quietness of that moment. Not only did the dust scream to me my daughter’s physical being is no longer present, but it shouted loud and clear that my life had been shattered into broken pieces. It told me I would never be happy again or find joy or purpose. It shouted that I was left with dust, tiny waste matters lying in a heap on the ground. That is exactly how I felt. My strength was gone. If there is a stronger word than disappointed, that would be what I was towards my God. I had given my life to Him a couple of years before the death of my daughter and this is what I get.
I know another group of people who were disappointed in what they got from the Lord. After the Jews were freed from Pharaoh, the Jews thought Moses would take them to a land of abundance. Instead Moses directed them to the wilderness known as Sin. It was a vast desolate place of dirt and stone. It was in this barren land of dust where God set about testing and strengthening the character of His people. Their disappointment and complaining continued for forty years.
In her book, “It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way,” Lisa Terkeurst writes about disappointment, “It's the feeling things should be better than they are. People should be better than they are. Circumstances should be better than they are. Finances should be better than they are. Relationships should be better than they are. But disappointment isn’t proof that God is withholding good from us. Sometimes it’s His way of leading us Home.” She also writes, “My feelings and my faith will almost certainly come into conflict with each other. My feelings see rotten situations as absolutely unnecessary hurts that stink. My soul sees it as fertilizer for a better future. Both of these perspectives are real. To wrestle well means to acknowledge my feelings but moving forward, letting my faith lead the way.”
My dear sister in loss, are you living in the land of Sin? It is a barren land surrounded with nothing but dust and stone. Are you surrounded by the biggest dust storm you have ever witnessed? You can’t find your footing or see a future or hope because the dust is so thick. Hold on, the storm will lessen as you stand firm, trusting in the Lord. Exodus 23:20 “The Lord told His people, “See I am sending an angel before you to protect you on your journey and lead you safely to the place I have prepared for you.” He will settle the dust and lead you out of the land of grief. As Lisa Terkeurst said, “ Dust doesn’t have to signify the end. Dust is often what must be present for the new to begin.” My daughter’s dust is now a beautiful, healthy, complete person who will never struggle again. She is about the Lord’s work and out of the barren land of Sin. I am learning how to balance my feelings and my soul. As Lisa said, both perspectives are true. I want the Lord to use the dust in my life to create something new and beautiful here in the land of Sin. He wants the same for you.
Lord, I will continue to be tested and strengthened as I face the disappointments that will come in the land of Sin. I know you are leading me home as I trust in You. I will look to my future departure from this barren land of dust and stone, and rejoice when I walk on the streets of gold.
– Michele
