When the doctor told my husband and I just before our daughter was born, that she was not going to live, that her survival would only be counted in minutes or hours, the suffocating darkness of grief, and guilt, and emptiness, descended. The darkness encapsulated my world, and I begged God for understanding and hope. I knew if any answers existed, they would be found with Him, and yet, although my tears and darkness continued to cry out to God, it would be years before I realized the answers He had for me. In time, I found His answers of comfort and hope, and even the beauty He wanted to bring from the tragedy of Tonia’s death. He strengthened me, helped me to understand His answers, and shaped me to be a voice of comfort for others. Tonia still had a big place in my heart, a heart that still pulsed for her, remembered her, and wanted to honor her. And sometimes still the tears would come, and sometimes, they still do, especially at weddings.
God blessed us after Tonia’s death with three healthy boys, all of whom I am proud of, all of whom have loved us, and given to us. But Tonia was the daughter her Daddy would have delighted in walking down the aisle at her own wedding. I think my tears at weddings started when I began to realize I was now going to weddings of young girls who would have been about Tonia’s age. I knew for Tonia, her delight was now, and had been, in all the perfections of Heaven and in the presence of Jesus. But still, for me, the tears came........
But God also gives daughters-in-love, the bride who by marriage, also becomes part of our family. Again, we have been blessed, but we have the youngest of our sons, who has looked long and hard for that special one, and in a couple of weeks, Rebecca will become our daughter-in-love. It has been a special joy to start welcoming Rebecca into our family, and to realize the gift she is to all of us. And then, only a few days ago, Rebecca let God give us another gift. She connected with our granddaughter, Emily, who had just bought a beautiful dress for the wedding, and asked her to be her bridesmaid. She would be the only one. Emily excitedly replied with a yes, but Emily’s excitement was echoed by her parents and her grandparents.
It was then I cried my tears, but they were tears of joy. Joy that reminds me God never forgets. God sees and knows and cares, and softens the heart that can still feel pain decades later. Joy that burst forth in gratitude to our God who never quits giving. Joy in ALL of my daughters. Each a priceless gift. Each a song within my own heart. Each a reflection of our loving, caring God. I may still cry at Rebecca’s wedding, but if the tears come, they will be tears of joy.
After hearing Emily will be Rebecca’s bridesmaid, and experiencing my response, in my thoughts, I was briefly in Heaven, talking quietly with Tonia. I asked her, “Did you suggest all of this to God?” And Tonia just smiled.
– Bev
(Related Bible reading: Psalm 40:1-3)
