January 10, 2018

His Glory Revealed


Romans 8:18   “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”

“Where can I hide?” This thought was never far from my mind in the days following the death of my child.  No matter where I would go, there I was.  Images plagued me, haunted me, in the waking hours of the day, robbed me of sleep in the wee hours of the morning, and I would try to do whatever it took to erase the suffering that followed me.  How can I shut off my mind? Interestingly, the typical ways that used to help me check out, like going to a movie or reading a good novel, weren’t working for me anymore. The only thing that seemed to help me ease the overwhelming pain and sorrow was being with other people, godly people, loving people, living words, live testimonies.  That’s new, I thought; when have I ever craved being with another person?  I was hungry for something, but I didn’t know what; I was aching and longing for an emotional reprieve, but there was no relief. Even my Bible became blurry; the pages and words just ran together.  I needed to get out, but where would I go?  Worship music no longer soothed my aching soul; it no longer allowed me to enter into the sanctuary where I could kneel before my King in the throne room of grace and mercy, but instead threatened to suffocate me. I needed to talk, I needed to process, I needed to spend time with someone who was safe, who would listen and not try to fix the intense brokenness within the substrata of my being, just a friend who knew me and wanted to take a moment to really see me.

Romans 8:35 says, “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?”  Joni Erickson-Tada said, “Suffering wakes me up from spiritual slumber, it keeps me hungry for the bread of heaven and thirsty for the Living Water of life.” I was entering in to uncharted territory, into a place in my walk with the Lord that I had never been before. The intense suffering that occurred in watching my only biological child suffer and die was beyond anything I could comprehend, anything I had ever experienced in this realm; it had far reaching consequences and I stood in an abyss between darkness and light. I had two choices; I could let the blackness consume me or I could look up into His marvelous light. Such a delicate place to be in, wishing I could jump off the world and end this incredible undoing of who I had always been; it pricked me, prodded me, threatened to drown me in the sea of nothingness, but it was fear that kept me from going under, the one thing that used to move me to do whatever I needed to do to keep going.


Isaiah 41:10 says, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” So I sought the friendships of those who I knew had one thing in common with me – they knew the Lover of my soul. Each of these ladies intimately had a relationship with the Father; they were the hands and feet of my Savior when we walked around the lake, they were His words of encouragement that I longed to hear when we met for coffee and they were the Lord with skin on when they gave me a hug. And each time I met with a beautiful friend, I walked away with a tiny piece of joy that had not been there before, a satisfaction in my soul that I had not noticed before, a sweet memory that I tucked away and that encouraged my heart, a connection to the Almighty that was tangible and deep and in those moments my suffering diminished and just a little bit of His glory was revealed in my countenance.
 
                                                                                                          – Melody