In my prayer room this morning, I was writing in my journal asking the Lord what He was doing. It seems as though my whole life is being turned upside down and my husband and I are standing at a crossroad making radical decisions that will forever change our lives and yet both of us have a tremendous peace about the resolutions we have come to. My mother will be turning 80 years old and she has been having some health issues this past year that have landed her in the hospital. She lives with her brother and a long-time family friend in Missouri, both of whom are also elderly and have significant health issues as well. We have made the decision to sell her home and move her and our family friend to California to come and live with us. It’ll be a huge change in our lives, but I am looking forward to developing a new relationship with my mother in this next season of her life. You see, we have never been very close; in fact, there were many years that we did not speak as a result of old wounds and pride that got in the way and when we did interact, there was always an underlying tension that seemed to come in between us. I think it is so interesting how the Lord has continued to change my heart toward her, causing the animosity to melt away, leaving nothing but a sweet, gentle, kind and loving attitude that is anticipating a new beginning.
Philippians 3:8 says, “I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ.” It wasn’t until the death of my child that the Lord allowed me to put things into perspective. As a result of that life changing experience, old hurts I used to hang onto no longer seemed to matter; old wounds that used to fester have been healed over leaving only a vague scar, and things I thought were so important, no longer seem to hold any value. All these things have now become a distant memory, and I want to press on to what the Lord has for me in this new season. My desires have changed because of the suffering I endured when my son went to his eternal home in Heaven, but as I look back on these past years, I have come to understand that when we suffer, something happens to us that would not have occurred had we not gone through our suffering. We draw closer to Him in our distress and He meets us where we are. He lifts us from that pit of despair raising us up with Him to the heavenlies so we are able to see things from His point of view, giving us insight to truths we had never understood before. In our suffering, we become so focused on Him that we are given the ability to block out the rest of the world with an intention of laying hold of what Christ has planned for us all along. We don’t obtain this desire for knowing Him merely because we want it; no, He is someone that we need. He is the one we require spiritually because He becomes the air we breathe in order to survive the devastating fallout of the loss that has encumbered and consumed us, and everything else pales in comparison.
As I take a deep breath and close my eyes, I come before the throne room of grace and ask Him once more to free me up of all that has hindered me from becoming the woman He has intended me to be. I want to forget my past failures and rest in His promise of forgiveness of all the mistakes I have made, of all the grudges I have held onto, and of the insidious resentments that have kept me in bondage. As I continue to abide in Him, I can see how my Father, the vinedresser, the gardener and the true vine, has removed and cut away everything that was dead inside with the pruning of the tool of suffering. As I look in the mirror, I can see His face looking back at me as I am producing beautiful branches teeming with luscious fruit that I will share with everyone who crosses my path.
