Psalm 107:14 “He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains.”
As I was looking over the list of names who would be attending this year’s West Coast Conference and examined each mom’s loss, I was struck with what emotion is represented behind that loss. A name badge is created that states that mom’s name and then we ask them how their child died. What really represents the name on the badge is the emotion that mom is feeling as she places that name badge around her neck. I think of my first conference with my badge that read, “Katie’s mom, Michele.” In all honesty, I wasn’t the Michele I knew. It should have said, “Katie’s mom - afraid, Katie’s mom - guilty, Katie’s mom - broken.” I was afraid of what I would be facing as I walked in. Would I be judged for not taking my daughter’s headaches more seriously than I did? Would they think I was guilty as charged? Would they understand my tears that flowed without a way to turn them off? I doubted if God loved me still because of my doubting if He really existed. If He did exist, how could I love a God who could wreak so much havoc on my life? It took everything within me not to run out of that door in fear that this would not be a safe place. I now know this was exactly the right place for my questions to be answered. When I left, my name badge could now say, “Katie’s mom - hopeful; Katie’s mom - determined.” Hopeful that Katie’s mom, Michele, did have a God who loved her, hopeful that the guilt I carried was being lifted. Katie’s mom also was determined to make the old Michele she had once known become a better version of herself.
As I approached this past conference I asked myself to remember that first conference when that name badge was placed around my neck. I wanted to put myself in the shoes of these moms and put their pain in my heart, to show and feel true compassion. Not to drag me back into the valley of the shadow of death, but to hold them up and point them to the mountain trail. I needed to tell them that the Lord carried me when I couldn’t carry myself. I wanted to tell them how He lifted my head so I could see the mountain top. We are the example of what God can do when one’s heart is broken beyond repair. I prayed for each name badge created. I prayed that at the end of the weekend when they remove their name badges, they would have also left behind burdens they were carrying when they walked in. I prayed their new identity will be a mom who was brought out of darkness by the Creator of Heaven and Earth. That their chains will be broken or at least, loosened. I prayed they would leave with a new found hope and a determination to live on. Women pointed me on how to come out of the darkness into the light. Now it was my turn to return the favor.
Lord, I pray that each mom that reads this will open up to the possibility of attending a conference. It is a safe place to share their hearts with mothers who understand what it feels like to have lost a child.
