Utter Dependence

I have learned not to scream out “Why???!!!” to God.  Although my understanding of God’s plan and God’s purposes does not put all the pieces together, still I know God has a plan and His purposes are taking all the splotchy, seemingly random, smears, and drips, and globs of paint, and He does have a big, big picture He is painting that one day will be an incredible display of His love and His goodness, with every original intent of His God-heart fully complete.  I have learned instead to ask God, “What, God?  What is it You want me to do?  How do you want me to respond?”  And as I ask, I beg for His wisdom and leading, for the warmth of His embrace, for a sense of stability.  Utter dependence.  An understanding of my own nothingness, and a realization of the bigness of my God and the vastness of His love, His grace, and His resources.  Sitting in the muck, knowing the wretched reality of death and loss, of the selfishness and arrogance of others, of the shortness and struggles of life – sometimes my own up-close and personal reality, and sometimes the reality of others I care for and I share in the weight of their burden.  Utter dependence.  Giving as much as I know about myself, my need, my circumstances, the circumstances of others, to as much as I know about my God.  Utter dependence.  Preceded by brokenness.  Bathed in grace.  Reaching and clinging and wanting still more of the God who intensely loves me.  Not doing, but waiting.  Allowing God to create a reality of light and hope, direction and stability in the midst of a reality of darkness or pain or confusion.  Utter dependence. And being okay with the whirlwind of emotions that can descend, knowing my God still has a plan, still has His purposes, still has a journey He has given me, and on that journey, He will carry me, enable me, and give me the privilege of reflecting His love and His grace to others.

Utter dependence.  I am reminded of God’s words.  Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.  Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.  You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.   Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.  You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.  Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled.  You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.  Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.  You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.  Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.   You’re blessed when you get your inside world --your mind and heart – put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.  He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”  So we may boldly say: “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear.”  God assured us, “I’ll never let you down, never walk off and leave you,” we can boldly quote, God is there, ready to help; I’m fearless no matter what.  He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.  He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.  He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed.  Utter dependence.

                                                                                                 – Bev

(Related Bible reading: Matthew 5:3-8; Hebrews 13:5,6; Psalm 40)