“I will survive.....”

Long before self-help books became the source for understanding human behavior and long before some of the vocabulary of behavioral science crept into the speech of everyday people, an eleven-year-old child, surrounded by only some of her siblings, and feeling very, very alone, spoke the silent words that marked her determination.  “I will survive.”  In front of her stood an elderly matron, slightly stooped, and attempting to be welcoming.  Grey-haired and serous-minded, her welcome did little to quiet the fear pulsing in the young girl’s heart.  All the child knew was that “family” as she had known it had just been torn apart.  The brick institutional building she was standing in was to become “home” for as many years as it would take to rebuild the brokenness and hopefully, reunite a family – her family.  I was that child and I spoke those words.  I willsurvive.
Peter was desperate for survival too. The relative calm of the Sea of Galilee can be obliterated by the winds and waves of a violent storm in the middle of the night, threatening death even to those in fishing boats big enough for a full crew of fishermen.  In such a boat and in such a storm, far from land and fighting heavy waves, the disciples were terrified.  Their terror is magnified with the appearance of what they think is a ghost.  Hearing the “ghost” speak brings a request from Peter.  “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”  Jesus responds to Peter by assuring him of who He is and welcoming him to come.  The journey before him isn’t long, but it’s scary, life-defying scary, but Peter’s “I will survive” is focused on his God.  Over the side of the boat he climbs, and one foot in front of the other, he begins walking, the raging waves submitting to his footsteps.  Peter’s focus though suddenly changes as the roar of the storm still around him, pummels his ears and his heart.  Jesus too though was still there, and the cry from Peter’s lips begged for Jesus to do what only Jesus could do.  Jesus reached out, grabbed Peter, and together they climbed back into the boat, the storm fully submitting to the One who truly was the Son of God.

I will survive.  I found out I couldn’t do it by myself.   I tried.  I tried to be “the good girl.”  I tried fitting in with the other girls.  (Now that’s an oxymoron.)   I tried getting good grades.  I tried denying the reality that was wrecking havoc with my emotional needs.  I took “responsibility” for the marriage of my parents – and I couldn’t fix it.  I felt distant from God and I really didn’t understand Him.  But, as life unfolded, and the waves still crashed – just in different ways – I heard the voice Peter heard, and I said, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.” Although I was still desperate for survival, I had learned, I can’t.  I can’t make survival happen.  Only God can.  And I needed to let Him.  And when my focus suddenly changes because the roar of the storm is still around me, I need, like Peter, to cry out to the Jesus who is still there too, and let Him do what only He can do.  And He will reach for me, grab me, help me climb back into the boat with Him, as my own storm, whatever it may be, submits to the One who truly is the Son of God.

                                                                                       – Bev

(Related Bible reading: Matthew 14:22-33)